Slow Me Down
by OldMondlerLover
Summary: My first AU Mondler fic. Takes place in Season 4. A longer explanation is in the Long Author's Note inside. *COMPLETE - EPILOGUE UP*
1. AUTHOR's NOTE

**LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Ok, so this is my first AU Mondler fic and I'm really nervous and excited about it. I have a whole new appreciation for those who write AU fics on a regular basis. Trying to keep the true essence of the character and his or her reactions intact while putting them in situations they didn't encounter during the canon of the regular series is a CHALLENGE. I hope I pull it off with this multi-chapter story. **

**Thank you a hundred times over for all your positive reviews of my one-shots. Nothing like nice feedback to boost your confidence! Um, that's a hint to review by the way :)**

**This story takes place in an alternate version of Season 4. There have been lots of stories similar to this one, I know. But I hope it's not too cliché and I will succeed in putting my own, hopefully entertaining, spin on it.**

**More will be explained in the context of the story (a lot in the first chapter actually), but to set up the narrative I thought it was important to know a couple things upfront. Ross & Rachel were never "on a break," the "big tree" is still around and, yes, Kathy (a character I really did like) is in the picture. Joey and Phoebe's lives are pretty much what they were in that season, except Phoebe is not pregnant with triplets and he's still gainfully employed. They are really auxiliary characters here. This is a Mondler fic, after all! However, all the characters are a part of this story.**

**The title of this story does not have "TOW" because it isn't a missing scene, like my other fics. It's much more angsty and dramatic than a sitcom would be, but that's what I wanted to write, so there you go! And, just to put it out there again, I own none of the characters. They own me, of course, but that's another story…**

**Music is a big inspiration for me and some of the chapter titles are taken right from song titles. The reason it is called "Slow Me Down" will be explained in a (much shorter) author's note in another chapter, which was actually the first one I wrote but won't appear until I get there with the rest of the plot. And I pray there are no typos. I know they've been in my other fics and it drives me crazy (but they are all fixed now, I think!) - that's what happens when you write and post right after - too fast! **

**Need to "slow me down" but not too slow. :) My plan is to post one chapter a week, I think. This is still coming to me in bits and pieces in some places. It will probably change ratings at some point, too. **

**OK, that's enough. Thanks for reading this long-winded diatribe and I really hope you enjoy "Slow Me Down" (which will start in the next chapter - called "Thursday is the Best Day.")**


	2. Thursday is the Best Day

Monica put on her sunglasses and stepped out from under the awning of her building into the cool spring air. It had rained early in the morning, but now the sun was out and small droplets clung to the tiny green buds that had just started poking out of the trees lining the sidewalk.

It was mid-April in New York and a new season had started to take hold. The winter had been a long and snowy one so the beautiful bright colors enveloping her were as welcome as the day itself.

It was Thursday. It was "Chandler" day.

Nearly every week for a few months, unless Chandler had a meeting, they had met for lunch at Sturky's, a throwback diner-like place just outside the edges of the financial district. It was a hole-in-the-wall, meet-half-way point up the stairs from a little garden boutique shop. It had booths that lined a big picture window overlooking the sidewalk. Since the start of the new year one of those booths had become "theirs" every Thursday at noon.

It was a good 20 blocks from Monica and Richard's apartment to the diner and Monica had spent the last several weeks taking a cab there to escape the cold. Today it was too pretty not to walk.

She'd adjusted her busy work schedule to fit the day.

She worked on Thursday nights, when Richard worked late. She would work a random Monday or Tuesday lunch shift. She usually worked a double on Wednesdays, when Richard was at his weekly poker game, and either one Friday or Saturday night.

Richard found her work ethic endearing initially, but it had started to grate on him. He thought she worked too much when she really didn't need to, especially after they had moved in together.

But she loved her job and wanted to continue it. She had been hired as a Su Chef at JaVu, a 4-star restaurant in Manhattan. She'd worked really hard to make it that far in her career and she didn't want to give it up. She even would fill in with other shifts here or there, but she made it a point to never work the lunch shift on a Thursday.

As she made her way down the sidewalk she checked off a list of wedding details that had been completed in the last week or so. Invitations sent. Check. Honeymoon reservations in Paris confirmed. Check. Roses changed from pink to red. Check. She and Richard would be married in five weeks and there wasn't one detail of the day Monica had left to chance.

If only she was 100-percet sure about what was going to happen after they said "I do."

She sighed as she thought for the umpteenth time about their future together - and how it was all coming to pass in what seemed like the most logical way, except for one thing.

A long time ago, at Barry and Mindy's wedding, he had told her that "if he had to" he would have children…again. She accepted that and they dropped the subject. They'd only been together a few months at that point so it didn't seem like it was vital to know how to feel about right then. As months passed they fell into a comfortable routine together, but no closer to deciding if they had a real future that would include getting married and having babies.

Then everything seemed to happen all at once.

Ross proposed to Rachel the autumn after Barry and Mindy's nuptials. And quickly everyone was involved in the preparations for their wedding the following July. Monica was to serve as maid-of-honor, Chandler as the best man. In the meantime Richard's daughter Michelle became engaged at Christmas to another doctor, Phillip, who she met while in residency in Phoenix, Arizona. They were to be married, also in New York, just 7 weeks after Ross and Rachel.

Monica suddenly found herself caught up in the excitement of two weddings that were not her own. There was a whirlwind of dress buying, reception planning and bridal showers.

She was on a high from all the romance in the air. Richard was all-consumed with the role of father-of-the-bride, but not so much with getting married again himself.

It didn't take long after the weddings for Monica to seriously wonder whether or not Richard would ever propose - and whether or not she really wanted him to.

She knew without a doubt that she wanted to be a mother, and in her heart she never felt secure that he felt the same way.

Then one night in early October he took them to her favorite restaurant and ordered the most expensive bottle of bubbly. Instead of proposing a toast, he proposed.

She didn't see it coming but she didn't say "no." She was happy - she was going to be a bride. For a while she put all other thoughts out of her mind.

And it so happened that the night she and Richard got engaged was the same night Chandler met Kathy.

Because Joey was nervous Chandler had gone to an audition with him. Kathy was chosen to do scenes with Joey, and she thought it was sweet that his friend had come along for support. Between scenes Kathy and Chandler bonded over their shared love of classic comedy and classic books. The spark was immediate for both of them.

Everyone's lives changed very quickly after that.

Monica, who had been living alone since the Gellers were married, moved in with Richard and started planning her wedding. It worked out perfectly for Ross and Rachel. At Thanksgiving they announced they were going to have a baby and shortly thereafter moved from Ross' one-bedroom apartment into Apartment 20 across from Joey and Chandler.

The biggest and most surprising change came last Christmas. Chandler and Kathy had been inseparable, so when the owner of the apartment she was subletting sold it and ordered her out by January 1st, the now-formerly, commitment-phobic Chandler offered a solution.

He talked to Joey and decided he would move out and ask Kathy to move in with him in a new apartment. He knew Joey would be OK living on his own while making Dr. Drake Ramoray money on "Days of Our Lives."

Having no other alternative, Kathy readily agreed to the plan. The couple ended up moving into a two-bedroom, pre-war apartment not too far from Monica and Richard's place between Christmas and New Year's.

But all the moving and changing made the gang splinter apart, just a bit - making it harder to get together as much as they wanted. Now they had to make time to see each other.

And the person Monica missed the most was Chandler.

That's what made Thursdays so special. For at least one hour every week they were best friends again. No Richard. No Kathy.

No one else but them.

She climbed the steps and headed into the diner. She smiled when she saw that she beat him there. She always did.

"Hi!" said a cheery voice. "How are you today? Isn't this weather great?"

Monica laughed and nodded. Her greeter, Christy, was always their waitress. Her cheerfulness made Chandler's eyes roll. He would perform good-natured impressions of her after she took their order and left their table. They never failed to make Monica giggle.

"It's wonderful," she said, with a smile.

Christy led her to their booth. She looked out the window and within 30 seconds she saw him hurrying down the sidewalk. She didn't fail to notice that he was wearing one of her favorite suits on him, a tan one with a bright blue tie that brought out his eyes. The man always looked good in a suit, she thought as he glanced up at the window. She smiled at him. He smiled back and gave her a short wave before disappearing behind her and into the restaurant.

"Man, it doesn't matter when I leave, you always beat me," he said with a wink as he brushed his lips against her cheek and took his seat across from her.

She laughed.

"Come on, Bing, I always win," she teased, smiling at him, her blue eyes dancing. "And I even walked today."

"Well, la-de-da," he said, with an eye roll. "I walk every day. Snow, sleet, ice, sun, nothing keeps me from my appointed rounds."

"What, are you a mail carrier now?"

"Yeah," he said as his lopsided grin came across his face, "realized it was my calling."

Christy came over to the table with waters for them both.

"Hello there," she said. "The usual for you?"

Chandler let out a sigh.

"Are we that pathetic that you know what we want every time?"

Monica shrugged and nodded.

"'Alright," he said, throwing his hands up in surrender.

Christy smiled and walked away.

"So tell me, did she comment on the weather when you came in?" he whispered, very conspiratorial, then added quietly in a high-pitched voice. "Was it 'can you believe the sun made an appearance…the snow is so pretty… the ice makes everything shine…isn't this weather great?'"

"The last one," Monica said, trying not to laugh too loudly, or snort.

Chandler grinned. He did love to make her laugh.

"Hum…so, are you all set for the big day?" he asked, pretending to look at the table-top menu. "Got my invitation in the mail this week…thank you very much."

His last comment was a gentle jab at her and she gave him a look. It had been a bit of a sore spot, especially with Joey, that he, Chandler and Phoebe weren't part of the wedding ceremony. Richard's best man was his son, Tim. Rachel was Monica's matron of honor. Ross was the only other groomsman and Richard's daughter was the bridesmaid.

"At least it was addressed to you and Kathy, not you and "guest," she noted. "You guys are right next to the head table…"

"Mon," he said, reaching for her hand. "I'm kidding. Thank you for adding Kathy's name, by the way."

She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze. "Sorry, just so many details."

"But you love the details!" he exclaimed, releasing her hand.

"Yeah….I mean, well, yeah, I guess so," she answered vaguely.

"That doesn't sound very Monica-like to me," he said, as she playfully slapped his arm. "So…what is it?"

She looked at him and sighed. Christy came back to the table to drop off their lunch and Monica was grateful. For a moment she thought about telling him what was bothering her. He was looking so curiously at her. But she decided against it.

She didn't want to ruin their hour together by bitching about something that was really nothing new.

"No, no, it's fine," she finally said. "Just getting so close now, ya know?"

"Yep," he nodded, satisfied with that answer. "So many weddings. Glad I have a date for this one, since you'll be unavailable."

"I was unavailable at Ross and Rachel's, too, ya know," she said, with a wink.

"Ah, yes, but we still got a lot of dancing in that night, if you recall," he said, with a grin.

"We sure did," she smiled fondly at him as her mind took her back to the wedding last Fourth of July…


	3. Fireworks

_Monica leaned against the railing alone and watched as the last of the sun went down over the bow of the huge yacht Dr. Green had rented for his daughter's wedding. _

_She'd never witnessed a more beautiful event._

_Rachel had been a radiant vision in her white Vera Wang gown and her brother had never stopped smiling in his midnight blue tux. The wedding party and guests had boarded and set out just an hour earlier and watched as two of the people they loved most in the world became one. It was a life-long dream for Ross and a dream come true for Rachel. _

_Her Mother's state of euphoria was slightly annoying, but justifiable. Her Dad beamed with pride._

_Everywhere love was palpable and it was hard not to get caught up in the magical splendor of it all._

_She breathed in deeply as she looked out over the water, trying to picture how her wedding day - whenever it would come - would be able to compete with this._

_"Are you hiding out here?" she heard him say._

_Monica turned and greeted Chandler with a smile. _

_She had done a double-take when she'd seen him emerge with Joey from the groomsmen cabin before the ceremony. She never thought he looked more handsome than he had in his deep blue tux and matching necktie. Their eyes had locked for a moment before he had smiled that brilliant smile of his and greeted her and Richard._

_Despite his insecurities, and sometimes gratingly sarcastic sense of humor, she had no idea why he was still single. _

_"Not hiding, just watching the sunset," she said, turning again. _

_"Where's Richard?" He asked as he joined her at the rail._

_"With my Dad and their friends, having a celebratory cigar," she said._

_"Ah…"_

_A moment passed._

_"They're almost done flipping the room for the reception," he said. "The _real _party is about to start!"_

_She let out a half-laugh. _

_"And are you ready to par-tay?" she asked._

_"You know it," he elbowed her. "I'm ready to dance and everything."_

_She raised her eyebrows at him._

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, ma'm," he said. "Wanna see?"_

_He held out his hand for her to take. She gave him a skeptical look but placed her hand in his._

_"There's no music."_

_"Don't need it," he grinned as he pulled her to him._

_"One, two, three, one, two, three," he whispered as he moved them effortlessly around the deck._

_She gasped slightly, then giggled._

_"Wow…"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You always said you didn't know how to dance," she said, looking up into his eyes. "I'm impressed."_

_"Well," he said, looking a little sheepishly at her, "I've been taking lessons the past six weeks."_

_"What?" she said, completely surprised. "You're kidding!"_

_He shook his head._

_"I couldn't be dancing like an idiot with the maid of honor on my best friend's wedding day," he said, with his lopsided grin on his face._

_She smiled back at him._

_"That is so sweet, Chandler," she said softly._

_"Yeah, well, don't let it get around," he said as he pulled her a little closer. "I'm glad I'll get at least one dance with you tonight, to justify all the money I spent on the lessons!"_

_She sighed and they both forgot there was no music. They just kept dancing as the sun fell further into the water._

_"I'm sure you'll get more than one," she said, closing her eyes and laying her head lightly against his chest. "Counting this one it's at least two."_

_He smiled at that._

_"I don't know, Richard might want to have them all," he said quietly, as he felt her hair tickle his chin. "It would be hard not to want all the dances with the second most beautiful woman on the boat."_

_"Second?!" she said pulling away slightly but smiling at him. Her bridesmaid dress was a strapless royal blue evening gown that accentuated all her curves and brought out her eyes beautifully. _

_It was hard to argue with her, but he teased back…_

_"Well, there is, ya know, The Bride," he said, emphasizing the last two words._

_A voice from the center of the yacht called out her name. It was Richard._

_They stepped away from each other just as Richard stepped out onto the deck._

_"Hey guys," he said, briefly pausing when he saw them alone together. She gave him a small smile. He cleared his throat._

_"The room is ready and the food is out," he said as he snaked an arm around Monica. "Chandler, they're just about ready for your toast, I think."_

_Chandler tugged on the cuffs of his white dress shirt and smoothed his tie as he started walking back toward the inside of the boat._

_"Get ready for the funny from the Chan-Chan Man," he said with a flourish, as Monica and Richard chuckled, following him back inside._

"Earth to Monica," Chandler said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

She blinked a few times and snapped out of her daydream. "Sorry."

"Where were you?" he said, a bemused look on his face.

She cleared her throat.

"Just thinking about Ross and Rachel's wedding," she said, as she picked up her fork.

"Don't worry, I'm sure yours will be better," he teased as he bit down on a potato chip. "Even without the fireworks display."

"I'm not…I wasn't," she started then sighed, exasperated. "Oh, stop."

He grinned.

"So, where is Kathy now?" she asked, before taking a taste of her salad.

"Miami this weekend," he said. Kathy was a cast member on a Broadway show currently touring the country. She was three weeks into a three-month run.

"The tour going well?"

"Yeah, I think so," he said. "I miss her though."

"I know," she said, sympathetically, patting his arm. "Are you getting settled in?"

"Oh yeah. Just trying to figure out what to do with the guest room."

"Maybe make it a guest room?"

He shot her a look. "Or a game room?"

She shot him the same look back. "Or a nursery?"

"Ha," he said. "God no, at least not yet anyway…"

She looked at him, stunned.

"Are you…are you thinking about that already?"

She could have sworn she saw him blush.

"Well, yeah, a little bit," he said, only slightly lying. He'd actually given a lot of thought to Kathy and their future. They'd even started talking about it.

Maybe it was watching his friends get married and getting ready to have kids. Maybe it was being 28 years old. He just wasn't as scared of it anymore.

"So…this is Chandler Bing getting all domesticated," she said, still shocked by his admission.

"Ha ha, yeah, right," he said, as he shrugged, trying to change the subject. "I'm actually going to fly to Miami tomorrow after work. She thinks I'm coming Saturday, but I'm going to surprise her after the performance tomorrow night."

"Oh, that is so sweet!" she gushed. "I'm sure she'll be so excited to see you."

He smiled again. She cocked her head to one side and looked at him. She'd never seen him look so content.

"I'm really happy for you, Chandler," she said, sincerely.

"Aw," he said, placing his hand on hers again. "Thanks, Mon. Looks like, despite every reason to the contrary, there's happy endings all around!"

She smiled and turned her attention back to her salad.

Kathy, she thought, was a lucky, lucky woman.

The next day Chandler ran home and picked up the bag he'd packed the night before and the plane ticket he'd left on top.

He took one last glance around their apartment, to make sure everything was turned off then rushed back out the door.

He had a 6 p.m. flight and it was 3:30 already. He was pushing it to get to Newark on time.

Quickly he locked the door and made his way down the hall.

When the phone started ringing in his apartment he didn't hear it and the answering machine picked up.

"Hey, it's me," Kathy's voice came over the line. "Listen, I know you had plans to come down tomorrow, but I don't think that would be a good idea. We're, um, working on some last minute…changes and I'll just be working all weekend. Maybe we can postpone until we go to Atlanta? I hope you -" beep.

_**NOTE: A little shorter chapter, I know but a little sooner than expected, maybe? ;) I'm on a bit of a roll now...**_


	4. God laughs when you make plans

"I really don't care, Mom," Monica said, her patience hitting the tipping point. "I just know she can't stay with me."

Her Mom stood up to grab the whistling teapot off her stove.

They'd spent the morning, with Rachel and Ben, at her parents' house putting together the gift bags for guests at the rehearsal dinner.

"Of course I know she can't do that!" Judy said, her tone matching her daughter's. "I really don't care where she stays either, but I just thought you might have an idea. Maurine is your cousin, Monica, and it would be nice to accommodate her, given the circumstances."

Monica put both elbows on her mother's kitchen table and rubbed her temples with her fingers. Her head felt like it was going to explode and her mother wasn't helping. Yes, she was sorry Maurine's credit cards were compromised in a data breach and she had no money to pay for a hotel, but she didn't have any energy to put thought into the matter.

In her mind the story paled in comparison to the news from Arizona she'd heard from Richard last night.

Michelle and Phillip were going to have a baby.

Monica was going to be a grandma. OK, so a step-grandma, but a grandma none-the-less. And it didn't help that Richard was "so excited" about becoming a "grandpa" and had been talking about it all morning on the way to Long Island.

"Here's your tea," Judy said, eyeing her daughter warily before sitting down. Just then Rachel walked into the kitchen.

"How are you feeling, dear?" Judy asked.

"Fine, fine," Rachel said with a hint of sarcasm. "I love peeing every 10 minutes."

Her mother-in-law patted her arm. Monica smiled weakly at her.

"Now, you'll forget all about it when the baby comes. There's nothing like a new baby," Judy said. "I was just talking to a friend earlier today who is expecting her first grandchild..."

"Oh?" Rachel said, walking to the stove to get herself a cup of tea. "Anyone we know?"

Monica gave her Mom a look that, if deadly, may have killed her. Judy, realizing too late her mistake, went beet-red and looked at Monica, and then at her tea.

"What?" Rachel said, sitting down and looking between the two women.

"Honey, I'm sorry…" Judy mumbled, not knowing what else to say.

Monica sighed.

"Michelle and Phillip are pregnant," she said, flatly.

"Oh! Oh…" Rachel said, excited and then not.

Judy excused herself to check on Ben.

"Oh my God, Monica," Rachel said, once Judy left the room. "You are going to be…"

"Don't say it," Monica said, sharply. "Don't even think it!"

"Umph," Rachel said, running her fingers across her lips to "zip" her mouth shut, but struggling not to laugh while doing so.

Monica threw her face into her hands.

"I know," she said, her voice muffled. "I know it's stupid but…a grandma? Really?"

She looked up.

"Go ahead, you can laugh…" she said with a heavy sigh.

Rachel chuckled.

"Oh, it's not so bad," she said, casting a sideways glance at Monica, who looked unconvinced.

"Good thing Chandler isn't here though," Rachel mused, with a smile. "He'd have a field day with this."

"Mmmm," Monica squished up her face and smirked back at her.

"There's my Little Harmonica," Jack said as he came into the kitchen from the garage. He kissed her on the cheek. He, Richard and Ross had gone to get the fitting done to their tuxes, which had been picked out by Monica weeks earlier, and then to play nine holes of golf at the country club where Jack and Richard belonged.

"Where's Richard?" Monica asked.

"Putting his clubs back in the car," Jack said, looking at his daughter curiously. "He told us Michelle and Phillip's news."

"Yes…yes," Monica said with a tight smile. Jack and Ross briefly looked at each other.

"Where's my grandson?" Jack said with a clap as he made his way out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Ross kissed Rachel on the cheek and sat beside her.

"So…Grandma…" he said cheekily, earning the same death stare as his mother received. "Whoa, sorry. I just…Richard seems pretty excited about it."

Monica nodded. It was good that he was excited about a baby coming into his life again, right? But it seemed to her that the "grandpa" part was what he was most excited about.

Ross took a deep breath.

"Um, he, well, he mentioned maybe…selling his half of the practice to Tim and, maybe, um… moving out there part time?" Ross said slowly, not sure if he should have brought it up but very curious to know what his sister thought of that plan. "Have you…have you guys talked about that?"

Rachel raised her eyebrows and looked at Monica.

"What!?" Monica said, completely surprised. "No! I mean…I…no, we haven't talked about that. We just found out about the baby last night…"

Monica's heart started to beat fast in her chest. Move to Arizona?

Ross and Rachel looked at each other.

"Maybe…maybe it was just a thought that occurred to him today," Ross said quickly. "You know, just the excitement of the news…"

"Yeah…" Monica said, distractedly.

Her head shot up as Richard walked in from the garage.

"Well," he said, with a smile, "we're all done here. Ready to head back home?"

###

Except for the toddler tunes tape playing in the car for Ben, it was quiet as Ross and Rachel drove back to the Village from Long Island - their thoughts otherwise occupied.

"Do you think they'll move to Arizona?" Rachel said, finally breaking the silence.

"I don't know," Ross said, having been thinking the same thing. "I don't…well, I just don't know."

Rachel thought about Monica's reaction to the news, and about her overall behavior lately. She seemed very stressed. Monica didn't get stressed. She thrived on planning and organizing and fretting over the small things. She kicked herself and everyone around her into high gear, but she didn't get stressed.

Rachel sighed.

"Do you think she's happy?" Rachel finally asked. Ross stole a brief glance at his wife.

"What do you mean?"

"I just…I don't know. She doesn't _seem_ happy," she said, looking out the window.

Ross shrugged.

"It's probably just pre-wedding nervousness," he said, though not completely convinced of that himself. He'd have to start paying more attention, he thought.

"Yeah, maybe," Rachel replied as they made their way across the bridge back into the city.

###

Chandler slammed the door shut and threw his bag against the wall.

He scanned their apartment - his apartment. The shades were drawn. It looked gloomy.

Perfect.

He went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, then sunk down on the couch. The red light from the answering machine on the end table was flashing vividly in the dark and he wanted to make it stop. He pushed the button.

_"Hey, it's me. Listen, I know you had plans to come down tomorrow, but I don't think that would be a good idea…"_

"Jesus Christ!" he cursed as he grabbed the machine and threw it across the room, hitting the front door. "God Dammit!"

Elbows on his knees, he buried his head in his hands.

He'd been waiting near the backstage door, flowers in hand, ready to surprise her. He watched from afar as she signed autographs. He was so proud of her. He could tell she was relishing signing the little books and slips of paper from fans.

Then the star of the production, a "Nick" somebody, had walked out, grabbed her from behind, around the waist and kissed her.

And she'd kissed back. It wasn't a friendly kiss between friends. It was a _kiss_.

The crowd went wild and Chandler dropped the flowers.

He'd gone back to her hotel and waited for her. He watched as they walked into the lobby together, hand-in-hand. She was giggling at something Nick said when she spotted Chandler.

He saw the blood drain from her face.

Leaving Nick in the lobby she wordlessly led Chandler to her hotel room.

He was seething.

And it got uglier from there.

_"YOU were talking about it, Chandler," she screamed, crying. They were fully in the throes of the biggest fight of his life. "I never said I was ready for it!"_

_"And I never said it had to happen now!" Chandler shouted. "God, Kathy, what the hell are we doing? I thought we were planning a future. I thought … I thought you … loved me…"_

_"I do," she said moving toward him. He backed away. She stopped. "I just…it's all too fast. I have my career. It's just starting now, Chandler. We were having fun, I thought that was enough for you."_

_"Well, it's not," he snapped, now on the verge of tears himself, but demanding answers. "Why the hell did we move in together then? What was that?"_

_"I…I," she stammered, then closed her eyes. "I needed a place to stay…"_

_He stumbled back and let out a low, harsh breath, like someone had knocked the wind out of him._

_"I…I didn't mean it like that…Chandler," she said quickly, trying to reach out for him again._

_He jerked his arm away from her. _

_"Glad I could find a place for you to store your shit," he spat out in sarcastic bitterness._

_She looked past him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down enough to ask the one question he didn't want to._

_"Is this because of that guy, that Nick?" he asked in a whisper._

_After a moment she looked at him with sad, guilty eyes but she never said a word._

_He stared at her, willing her to speak, but she just looked down again._

_"Got it," he finally said. Grabbing his bag and storming out the door. _

_"Chandler…" she called, but she didn't follow him._

He'd spent the night at the airport and boarded the earliest flight he could get back to New York on Saturday.

And it was over.

He closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the couch.

Then grimaced as he felt the sense of self-loathing creep back into his consciousness and the walls slowly close in around him once again.

_**NOTE: Poor Chandler, I know. :( I am probably going to update every 5-6 days. Thank you so much for your reviews! I hope you are enjoying it so far :)**_


	5. Smoke Rings in the Dark

"And that's why it's called a "semi" circle," Phoebe said with confidence as she and Joey made the final turn on the landing toward his apartment.

"Oh…" Joey responded with a look of confused understanding. It was Monday night and they were getting ready to order a pizza and hang out until he had to head back to the "Days" set and Phoebe left to meet a couple massage clients.

Joey dug out his key and went to unlock the door when he realized it was already unlocked. He and Phoebe looked at the each other before he slowly made his way inside.

And there, sitting on his couch in the partial darkness of the shaded windows, was Chandler.

In sweatpants.

"Chandler…dude?" Joey said, as Phoebe turned on a light. They hurried over to the couch.

"Oh, hey," Chandler said, after a moment, as if just noticing that someone else was in the room. His eyes looked glassy.

"Chandler, what's wrong?" Phoebe asked, stroking his arm. "Are you OK? Why are you here?"

"In sweatpants…" Joey said, beginning to really get worried.

His best friend looked like he hadn't slept - he definitely hadn't shaved for a couple days.

"Oh, Kathy and I broke up," Chandler said in a matter-of-fact way, as if it had to have been the most obvious thing in the world to have happened.

"What?!" Phoebe said, looking from Chandler to Joey.

It was honestly the last thing either of them had expected - Chandler and Kathy had seemed happy.

"How?" Joey asked, confused. "Why?"

Chandler who had been staring straight ahead turned then and looked at Joey. The hurt in his eyes was obvious.

When he didn't say anything Phoebe started to speak, but then they heard the Gellers talking in the hallway having just come home from work. Phoebe stood and walked out the door.

Joey took the half-empty beer bottle out of Chandler's hand.

"I'm gonna get you some water and order a Joey Special," he said. Chandler just nodded. 

"Guys…" Phoebe said when she saw Ross and Rachel outside their apartment door.

"Hey Pheebs," Rachel said, as Ross unlocked the door. She could tell something was going on by the look on Phoebe's face. "What's up?"

Ross, obviously anxious to get inside, shot his wife a panicked look as he opened the door.

"We gotta get ready for dinner with that museum board member, Rach," he said, tapping his foot.

She rolled her eyes at him. "I know, shush!" She turned her attention back to Phoebe. "Pheebs?"

"Chandler's at Joey's," she said, trying to keep her voice down. "In sweatpants."

Rachel gasped and Ross turned his head, fully engaged now in the seriousness of the situation.

"He and Kathy broke up," Phoebe said sadly.

"What?" Ross said just as Rachel said "no!"

"Oh God," Rachel whispered as she brushed past Phoebe and into Joey's apartment, Ross and Phoebe on her heels.

Joey was ordering food when they entered. Rachel quickly sat beside Chandler.

"Honey…" she said, as she took one of his hands in hers. He looked at her but didn't say anything.

Ross clapped him on the shoulder. "I'm so sorry, man."

"What happened?" Rachel asked, looking into his face.

A small, bitter smile came to his lips.

"The inevitable, Rach," he said, flatly, looking at her. "Just the inevitable." 

On the other side of town Richard was in his study and Monica was cleaning up the dinner dishes.

They'd just finished another tense meal together.

She was not at all thrilled about the prospect of moving to Arizona, even part time, and had let him know it on Saturday when they drove home from her parents' house.

He had listened but hadn't let the subject drop. They'd been tiptoeing around each other ever since.

Finally it was added to the list of important topics they would discuss once they "got past the wedding" - his favorite phrase of late. Near the top of that list was another touchy subject - when they were going to start a family of their own.

She was drying the last of the plates and thinking of the "list" when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Mon?"

"Hey, Joey," she said with a smile.

Joey cast a nervous glance at the bathroom door of Ross and Rachel's apartment. They had all moved over to Apartment 20 when the pizza came. He knew he only had a couple minutes before Chandler would come out.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bug you…ah…listen, can you come over to Ross and Rachel's…right now?"

Noting his tone, she frowned. "What's wrong, Joe?"

"Chandler's here and I don't want to leave him alone," he said.

Monica's heart started to speed up.

"What's wrong, Joey?" she repeated, worry in her voice.

"He…he and Kathy broke up (he heard Monica gasp). Phoebe had clients and Ross and Rachel had to leave for some museum dinner," he said in a rush. "It's almost 8 and I have to get back to 'Days' tonight, but I don't want to leave him here by himself."

He paused for just a moment before adding.

"He needs you, Mon."

She closed her eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

"I'm coming," she said, taking off her yellow dish gloves as her eyes darted around the kitchen for her purse. "I'm leaving right now. Please stay with him until I get there, Joey. Please."

He let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, thank you," he said. "Yeah, I'll be here."

"OK, bye," she said. Then she hit the off button without waiting for a reply and hurried into Richard's study.

He looked up at her and knew something must have happened.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Chandler and Kathy broke up," she said, a little breathlessly. "That was Joey. He…he asked me to come over. Chandler's not … taking it too well."

He studied her for a moment. Her face was flushed and she already had one foot out the door, looking ready to take off at any moment.

"Of course," he said, standing up and walking over to her. He kissed her on top of the head. "I'm really sorry to hear that."

She half-smiled, half-grimaced and murmured "Me, too."

He followed her into the living room and watched as she grabbed her purse and made her way out the door without so much as a parting glance.

He went back to his study, pulled a cigar out of his desk drawer and lit it up. He watched as the puffs of smoke made slow circles toward the ceiling. 

"Hey," Joey said as he climbed out the window to the balcony, YooHoo in hand. He had just taken a quick shower in his apartment. When he came back to Ross and Rachel's he panicked when he thought Chandler had left. Instead he found him sitting on a lawn chair outside.

Joey put his back against the balcony half-wall, facing Chandler and handed the bottle to him. He noticed that his friend looked a little better. A little food, and no alcohol for a few hours, had helped.

"Thanks," Chandler said quietly. "Joey, you don't have to babysit me, I know you gotta get to back to work."

"I know, I know, I'll leave," he said pensively, looking down at his shoes, and added, "um…as soon as Monica gets here."

Chandler shot him a look.

"Joey…" he said with a heavy sigh. "Man, I told you not to bother her. She's got enough going on right now, she doesn't need my crap."

"She's your friend, Chandler," Joey said. "I think she'd be pissed if we didn't call her."

Chandler slumped back on the chair, opened his YooHoo and took a swig, an unsettled look on his face.

The front door to the apartment flew open and Monica walked in. Joey spotted her through the big window.

"There she is," Joey said, moving toward the open window to go back inside.

Chandler remained seated, closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

_**NOTE: This is the first chapter title taken from a song - "Smoke Rings in the Dark" is a 15 year-old song by American country artist Gary Allan. It's one of my favorites from him and I've always loved the imagery in the song. The first couple verses, especially, reflect Richard and Chandler here I think. And, yeah, I can't wait to get some of the next chapters up so I wanted to post this one today. Told ya I was on a roll :) **_


	6. Worthy of Love

"How is he?" Monica asked as Joey walked through the kitchen.

"A little better, I think," Joey said, giving her a quick hug. "He ate dinner and…stopped drinking beer."

Monica nodded and glanced in the direction of the balcony.

"What happened?"

"Apparently she was with someone else when he got there," he whispered.

"She was cheating on him?" Monica whispered fiercely.

Joey nodded.

"Oh God…"

"Yeah," Joey said as he started to make his way out of the apartment.

She grabbed his arm.

"Thanks for calling me, Joey," she said.

"I know," he smiled sadly and then he left.

"Hey," she said as she climbed out onto the balcony. Dusk had fallen over the city, casting a soft orange glow on the nearby buildings.

He turned and looked at her, smiling a little.

"Sorry you were roped into my tale of woe," he said before taking another sip of YooHoo. "I told them not to bother you."

Choosing to ignore his last comment she smiled, relieved that he wasn't so far gone that he couldn't joke, at least a little bit.

She pulled up a lawn chair next to him and sat down.

"I'm sorry there is a 'tale of woe,'" she said. "What happened?"

He was quiet for a long moment.

"Me," he finally said. "I happened."

"What?"

He sighed.

"I…I pushed too hard…thought too much too fast," he said, looking out. "I…it did happen fast…."

Monica looked at him, confused.

"I don't understand, Chandler," she said softly.

"She didn't want what I thought she did," he said. "She wasn't…she didn't want to plan a future. Not with me, anyway…"

Monica was quiet, giving him time to explain. His head dropped and he looked down.

"She said she moved in with me because she needed _a place to stay_," he said, quietly, emphasizing the last words, his voice shaking just a bit.

She was taken aback.

"She said that?" Monica was incredulous. "She actually said those words?!"

"Yep," he said, setting the bottle on the floor, standing up and walking over to grip his hands on the balcony stone, trying to keep his emotions in check.

Damn, he thought.

He knew if he saw Monica he'd start telling her more than he told anyone else. And he wasn't sure he could keep himself from crying again if he did.

But he started talking anyway.

"I was waiting outside the backstage door," he said, quietly going into the details no one else knew. "She didn't see me. Then he, this guy Nick, came out and…"

She stood up and joined him by the balcony edge.

"They were together," he said, feeling the tears threatening. "I…we…I went to her hotel….room…and we…got into a fight."

She put her hand on his back as he took a deep breath.

"She said we were … moving too fast," he said, starting to gesture with his hands. "I told her what I wanted and she said it wasn't what she wanted and then…"

His voice caught and Monica thought she was going to cry.

"And then…" he took another breath. "I asked if it was because of that…guy…Nick...and...and that was it."

"Oh, Chandler," Monica said quietly, looking at his profile as he stared out. She could tell he was trying his best not to breakdown.

"I thought…" he started again, then shook his head. "Ah…doesn't matter. It wasn't what…I'm not what…who she wanted. It wasn't enough. I…I'm never enough."

She pulled his shoulder and turned him toward her to make him look her in the eyes. Tears were pooling in his and he was breathing hard, trying to hold them back.

In that moment she could have killed Kathy for putting him back in this place - where he was a couple years ago - where he believed he wasn't worthy, that he was going to die alone.

She cupped his face in her hands and, involuntarily, a single tear fell from her own eyes.

"You listen to me Chandler Bing," she whispered. "She is a fool for…hurting you. You…you were offering her the world…"

He tried to turn away, her gaze at him was too intense.

She held firm to his cheeks, trying to make him hear her.

"You are a wonderful man…and someday…" she said softly.

He scoffed, rolling his eyes a little.

"No…" he whispered.

"Yes…" she whispered.

"No…"

And she pulled him toward her and kissed him. It was a gentle kiss from a friend, intended to affirm to him that he was worthy of love.

She moved to break away and instead he crashed his lips back onto hers, pulling her to him - one hand in her hair holding her head, the other on her waist.

Somewhere in her brain she knew she should pull away, but blood started to pulsate rapidly through her body as his lips opened more and his tongue found hers.

And hers found his…and she pulled him closer.

She could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest as she pressed her body against him, her arms circling his neck.

Their lips were desperate, hungry to find each other.

Then as quickly as it began, Chandler abruptly pulled away, a look of panic on his face.

"Oh my God, Mon, I'm sorry…" he said breathlessly, stumbling slightly, putting the back of his hand to his lips.

It took her a moment to register what had happened and her face turned crimson.

Her heartbeat was going wild.

She looked up at him. His eyes were closed, a pained look on his face.

"No," she said, trying to catch her breath. "No…it was my fault…"

"Mon..." he took her hand and looked into her face. His eyes boring into hers. She stared back at him.

Then they heard the front door close.

"Chandler?" Rachel's voice called.

They looked at each other then took a step back away from one another.

"Out here, Rach," he called back, his eyes never leaving her face.

Rachel came to the window.

"Monica?" she said. "Hey."

Monica cleared her throat.

"H…hi," she said, not meeting Rachel's eyes.

"She…ah," Chandler stammered. "Joey called her…when, ah…he went back to work."

"Oh, good. Ross stopped to get us coffee, but he'll be up in a minute," Rachel said, totally unaware of the tension between her friends. She looked at Chandler. "We left kinda early. Are you OK?"

"Yeah," he said. "Yes, better."

He glanced at Monica. She gave him a small smile. He gently smiled back.

"I…I better go now," Monica said, making her way to the window and climbing through.

"OK," Rachel said, moving out of the way. "Chandler, please stay here tonight, OK? The guest room is all set up…"

He just nodded, still looking at Monica.

She glanced back at him as Rachel walked her to the door.

"He seems better?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, yeah I think so," Monica replied, her mind racing as fast as her heart.

Just then Ross entered with the coffee.

"Hey," he said.

"Ross, can you go down with her to get a cab? She's headed back home," Rachel said.

"Sure, just let me put the coffee down."

"I'll wait in the hall," Monica said.

She walked out to the hallway then leaned heavily back against the wall, closing her eyes.

She brought her fingers to her lips. She could still feel his kiss there.

And her heart was still racing.

And out on the balcony, as he slumped back onto the lawn chair, so was his.

He put both hands over his face.

"Dammit…" he shuttered.

_**NOTE: Thank you so much for your reviews! Strap in, it's gonna be a long ride ;)**_


	7. Just a Kiss

Chandler sat in his office on Monday morning a week later, trying to concentrate on the WENUS.

It wasn't happening.

He'd gotten a call from Kathy on Wednesday. She said she was sorry - said she had never meant to hurt him.

They had extended the show's run another three months and she wouldn't be back in New York until later in the year.

She told him she'd hired a company to pack up her things and ship them to her mother's house in Chicago. They'd be there Thursday afternoon, if he could be there.

He listened to her - told her he hoped the show had a good run and that, yes, he would be there on Thursday.

It wasn't bitter. It was emotionless, flat, like they had never loved at all.

And he wondered if the last six months had been a mirage.

But for some reason his overall feeling was one of relief. He'd have an excuse to call Monica, but also a reason he couldn't meet her for lunch Thursday.

He'd called and left a message on her machine at home, knowing she would be at work.

Thursday came and went. She hadn't called him back.

Their kiss had rocked him to the core.

One minute he was bemoaning the loss of what he thought was the love of his life. The next he was kissing his beautiful, caring, consoling best friend and felt a passion stir in him that burned like he'd been thrown into a bonfire.

And he had to find a way to put it out. Now.

Monica was getting married in less than three weeks. To Richard - a handsome, wealthy doctor who Chandler genuinely liked. They had been together a long time and she was planning her future with him.

There was no room for him to start developing stronger feelings for her. No room.

He knew he had to take control over it before he was too far gone - before it _happened_ to him.

Because over the past week he'd started thinking about how everything in his life had _happened_ to him. He _happened_ into a job he hated. He _happened_ into a relationship that ended terribly. He _happened_ to cry on his engaged best friend's shoulder.

He _happened_ to kiss her.

Something had to change.

"Mr. Bing?" his secretary's voice came over the intercom. "Monica Geller is on Line 3."

His heart lurched.

"Ah…" he stalled, trying to come up with a story to dodge the call. Nothing came to him. He sighed. "Put her through."

He took a deep breath.

"Hey."

"Hey," she said quietly. "So, um, how'd it go?"

He furrowed his brow.

"How did what go?"

"The packing?"

"Oh," he said, understanding. "Fine. Yeah, they, um, they got done pretty quickly, actually."

"Good," she said. "I was just wondering…"

He nodded but didn't speak. An awkward silence followed.

"Chandler?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were still there."

"I'm here."

"Um...I…I'm sorry," she said, in a nervous whisper. "I shouldn't have…have…kissed you that night…"

He closed his eyes.

"Hey…no, no. I'm sorry. I…you…I mean…" he stammered out.

"I know," she said, nodding to herself. She cleared her throat.

"Do you…are we on for Thursday, like usual?"

Like usual. Right.

"Yeah, sure," he said. "I don't have anything on my schedule right now."

"OK," she said. "I guess I'll…see you there."

"Yep, yep," he said, suddenly in a rush. "Um, I gotta go."

"OK, bye."

"Bye."

He hung up the phone and stared at it for a couple minutes before standing up to head over to his boss's office.

Something had to change as soon as possible.

###

Chandler watched as Monica shrugged.

She'd just told him that Richard was leaving for an ophthalmologist conference the next day, because there was a "weekend of golf to be played" in Tampa before the kickoff of the conference took place Sunday night. He'd tried to talk her into going with him, but she told him there was just too much to do before the wedding.

"It's no big deal," she said, with a wave of her hand. "He'll be out of my way for a few days and maybe I can get some stuff done."

Chandler chuckled at that.

Monica smiled.

Lunch was going well, better than she expected actually. They were both uneasy as Christy had led them to their booth, but as they started to talk - about almost everything except what had happened between them on the balcony - it started to feel comfortable.

It started to ease into what it had always been, the highlight of her week.

She was relieved that it appeared he had largely moved past the pain of the end of his relationship with Kathy. Even talking to her last week hadn't thrown him backward.

He was forging ahead and Monica was proud of him.

"So, tell me about this new opportunity at work," she said, as Christy came to the table to clear their plates away and drop off their check.

He looked at her a moment and cleared his throat.

"I…um…well, I told Doug I needed a change," he said, carefully. "I didn't want to stare at data and stats all day anymore. He asked if I was open to another position within the company. And, uh, there are a couple openings in our communications division. They are looking for people who understand the data and analysis but can explain it in plain English. So, I'll be writing - telling people what the WENUS and ANUS mean."

She giggled. "Maybe you can explain them to me."

"Oh sure, and you can explain to me how to make that seven-layered lasagna the 'right way,'" he smirked, making air quotes with his hands.

"Ha!" she smiled at him. "Sounds like they're pretty high on you."

He bit his lip and nodded.

"Yeah, I think so. I've talked with the hiring manager a couple times this week," he said, as he glanced at his watch. "Actually, I've got to get back. I have, ah….a meeting with him at 2."

"Oh," she said, as a wave of disappointment washed over her - she wanted to spend more time with him.

She tried to shake the feeling away as he got up to go pay the bill, and then she realized she was staring at him.

And her mind flashed back to the balcony and his hands in her hair, and his lips soft and powerful on hers…

She shook her head quickly. She'd spent the last week trying to push thoughts of their kiss, and her reaction to it, out of her mind. She'd thrown herself into wedding details and work. And it had helped some, but she was still sad that they hadn't seen each other for more than a week. She had missed him.

Monica sighed, stood up and started to walk toward the front door. She waved to Christy as she passed by.

After he paid the bill he joined her and they made their way down the steps to the sidewalk.

It had started to drizzle a little bit.

"Well, I should let you get back," she said as she turned to him, suddenly feeling shy.

"Yeah…"

He gave her his lopsided grin as he reached out to her. She fell into his embrace, hugging him tight, feeling his arms tighten around her.

She fought the sudden urge to tell him not to go as she gripped the back of his suit jacket.

Chandler took a deep breath, taking in her scent and holding her close.

He wanted to stay rooted to the sidewalk, holding her.

They stood there together another moment before he slowly pulled away.

"I've got to go," he whispered.

"I know," she said quietly, stepping away. "I'll see you soon?"

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"OK," she said. Inexplicably she felt tears sting her eyes as he smiled a little, turned and hurriedly walked back toward the financial district.

She took a deep breath and hailed down a cab.

The drizzle was changing over to rain.

###

His secretary followed him back into his office when he returned.

"I'll put Tom McFarland through when he calls," she said. He nodded, taking off his wet suit jacket and hanging it on the back of his desk chair.

She handed him a large brown envelope.

"Your itinerary, hotel reservations and plane ticket are in there," she said. "You're flight's at 10 a.m. Monday. I don't know if Mr. McFarland or his assistant Sarah Wallace will meet you when you land, but I'm sure he'll let you know today."

He nodded again. "Thanks, Helen."

She gave him a sad smile and walked back out to her desk, closing the door behind her.

He sat back in his chair and opened the envelope.

He took out the plane ticket and stared at the airport code.

LAX

Chandler looked up and gazed out the window, wondering for some reason if it ever rained in Los Angeles.

_**NOTE: Thank you for the amazing reviews for the last chapter - and the whole story so far! A special thank you to guests, and those I can't PM, especially Mondler2014. Thank you from the bottom of my little writer's heart :)**_


	8. Hallelujah

"Well, I looked like a tent," Rachel said, as she sat heavily on the orange sofa at Central Perk next to Phoebe. She and Monica had just come back from the final fitting of Rachel's bridesmaid dress.

Monica giggled a little. "Oh, you did not!"

"Everyone will be looking at the bride anyway," Phoebe said with a wave of her hand.

"Not if I'm blocking all the sightlines," Rachel sighed.

Monica laughed and Rachel was happy to see it. Her sister-in-law had seemed a little more relaxed today, and Rachel couldn't help but wonder if it was because Richard was out of town. The only time Monica had tensed up was when Rachel had asked if he was having a good time in Tampa. Monica bristled just enough that Rachel noticed. She said she talked to him on the phone in the morning and confirmed he was having a good time, but didn't give Rachel any more detail than that.

Monica didn't want to tell her Richard had called because another doctor at the conference had a time-share in Phoenix and had offered it to Richard for a few weeks later in the year, to get to know the area better. Her icy reception to idea wasn't lost on Richard. He'd told her to forget about it for now and that he'd see her on Tuesday.

It was another tense conversation with him and that, coupled with her now full-blown crush on Chandler, was beginning to really get to her.

She was sure it was a crush - just a crush, because of that one incredible kiss. She kept telling herself that's what it was - nothing more.

She just had to stop thinking about him.

"Did the guys leave for the game?" Rachel asked Phoebe.

Ross, Joey and Chandler had scored tickets to the Knicks Saturday night playoff game. Joey had been bouncing off the walls in anticipation for days.

"Yeah," she said, then added. "Can you believe Chandler's news?"

Monica turned her attention to Phoebe.

"What do you mean?" Rachel asked.

"That job," she said. "I can't believe he might actually take it."

Monica and Rachel looked at her, both confused.

"The writing job?" Monica asked. "Why wouldn't he take it? It sounds like it's his if he wants it. I think it's a good move for him."

Rachel nodded her agreement.

"The job might be, but do you really think the _move_ is?" Phoebe asked.

"Ah…what?" Rachel asked.

Joey had told Phoebe just that afternoon that Chandler's job was in LA.

She assumed everyone already knew. She sensed now that she was wrong.

"The move…" she said, slowly. "The job is in Los Angeles."

"Wha…are you serious?!" Rachel said, stunned.

"Yeah," Phoebe said, nodding her head. "Joey told me that Chandler told him…"

Rachel quickly turned her head to Monica.

"Did you know?" she blurted out, but she knew the answer before she asked the question.

Monica's face had turned white and she looked like she'd just lost her best friend.

###

Chandler put Jeff Buckley's "Grace" into his CD player on "repeat" and sat on his couch.

The Knicks had won in a thrilling comeback playoff victory, but he felt like he hadn't even been there.

His mind had been churning all night. He'd downed several beers, and was in the middle of another, trying to dull the ache he felt every time he thought about telling Monica the job was in LA.

But he knew he'd have to find the courage to tell her soon - before anyone else did. Joey had beat it out of him this morning, bombarding him with questions until he slipped up and said he was "flying out" for the on-site interviews Monday morning.

Even Joey didn't miss that reference.

Chandler told him not to tell anyone, but he wasn't at all sure Joey would keep it to himself.

Stretching out on the couch he listened as the opening lines of "Hallelujah" were interrupted by an impatient pounding on the door.

"I'm coming!" he shouted, wondering who could be at his apartment at midnight.

He opened the door and there stood a furious, and somewhat drunk, Monica.

Too late, he thought, she already knew.

"LA?" she yelled at him as she stepped past him and into his living room. "The job is in fucking LA?!"

"Mon…" he said as calmly as he could, closing the door.

"Don't 'Mon' me," she yelled again, whipping her head around to face him. "What the hell are you thinking, Chandler?! Huh, what the hell?!"

And it was then that he snapped.

"What the hell am I thinking?!" he said, shouting right back at her. "I'm thinking it's time I get the fuck out of here - out of this job, out of this apartment, out of this goddamn city!"

"Chandler…" she gasped, briefly taken aback by his outburst, then adding with more force as he walked past her, back toward the couch. "Why? Why do you want to take a job that far away?"

"What do I have keeping me here, Mon? What?!" he asked her sharply, opening his arms wide. Then he put down his beer and placed his hands on his hips, looking intently at her. "I bought this place for her. You know I hate my job. Ross and Rachel are married and having a baby. Joey doesn't need a roommate anymore. Phoebe…Phoebe lived on the streets - she'll certainly survive without me. And you're…you're getting married. And moving to Arizona, apparently. So you tell me, Monica, you tell me what's keeping me here?"

"I'm not moving to Arizona," she said, her anger rising again. "Don't change the subject. All those people you just named love you, and you're just running away from us - from your family..."

"Kathy doesn't," he said, crossing his arms, challenging her. "Love me, I mean."

"You know what I mean," she snapped, raising her voice. "Don't talk to me about semantics!"

"Semantics?!" he said, his voice matching hers, alcohol and his emotions getting to him. "You aren't hearing me. It's all about the damn semantics and what the fuck it all means! What the hell am I doing here? I don't have anything to be in New York for anymore..."

She felt tears at the back of her eyes as she just stared at him. She'd felt like she was going to be sick when Phoebe said the job was going to take him across the country. She'd made excuses to her and Rachel and gone home.

She tried to drink wine. She'd tried scotch on the rocks with a twist. She tried to sleep.

The panic she felt well up within her only grew.

And as she sat alone in her apartment she could feel him slipping away…from her…and she was near hysterical with the desire to stop him.

So when she was sure the damn game was over and he'd be home she went to confront him, madder than hell.

But here he was, being uncharacteristically stubborn, and listing off all the logical reasons he had to go.

And despairing now, she gave him the only reason she had left for him to stay.

"You have me," she said her voice strained as she walked over to him and put her hands on his arms, trying to keep her emotions under control. "You're my best friend. You have me."

He stared at her. She was trembling, near tears. But what he saw wasn't just anger, it was desperation.

Why the hell was she looking at him like that, he thought, like she had on the balcony that night?

He briefly closed his eyes.

"I don't have you," he whispered, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Richard has you. You don't need me."

"I do, Chandler," she said softly.

"Monica…"

"I do…I need you," she whispered, looking up into his now smoldering blue eyes. Her need for him took over her every thought, word and action. She closed the gap between them and pressed her lips to his.

For a brief moment he kissed her back before gently pushing her shoulders.

"No, Mon…no," he whispered, trying to catch his breath. Trying to still his heart. "Don't…we can't do this…"

Her eyes were still closed as she grabbed onto his Knicks t-shirt with both hands and pulled herself to him, her lips capturing his again.

Her heart was pounding. She knew on some level what she was doing was wrong, but in that moment she just didn't care.

Summoning every ounce of willpower remaining he tried to push her away one more time.

"Monica, look at me," he whispered, still gripping her shoulders. Her eyes opened and he swallowed hard.

He opened his mouth to protest but no words came out. He got lost looking into her bright blue eyes burning with desire - for him.

"I need…you," she breathed, her gaze moving to his lips, her arms reaching around his back.

And instead of pushing her away his hands curled around her shoulders and he pulled her to him.

That soft spot he'd always held for her in his heart burst forth in one swift instant and he couldn't stop, no matter how much his brain was telling him to do so.

His lips forced hers open as he kissed her deeply, his tongue dueling with hers.

Her hands moved to his hair as she locked him even tighter into their kiss. His hands moved from her shoulders, gently grazing the sides of her breasts before gripping her hard at the top of her hips, pulling her against him. She let out a deep moan as his lips left hers and moved to her neck.

Then a moment later with a half-moan, half-grunt he picked her up in his arms and carried her to his bedroom, his eyes never leaving hers.

He laid her on his bed and hesitated just a moment.

She reached up and pulled him down on top of her, his face in her hands.

"Make love to me, Chandler," she said in barely a whisper, and she kissed him again, reveling in the feel of his lips. His scent engulfed her as his body pressed down on hers.

She couldn't get him close enough.

And he couldn't hold back the torrent of emotions that hit him. She was small, trembling beneath him, waiting for his touch.

He quickly undid the buttons on her blouse and she pulled his t-shirt over his head. He ripped down her bra and brought his lips to her breast.

She arched her back on his bed, and moaned his name.

###

Monica woke in the middle of a dream. She was with Chandler and they'd just made love - twice - and it had been unlike any sex she'd ever had. He'd been perfect in every way - caressing, touching, petting, kissing her in all the right places on her body - taking her higher than she'd ever been before. He'd left her shaking, begging for more.

She blinked her eyes, and for a moment she didn't know where she was.

She turned and saw him sleeping on his stomach, his back to her, his face turned away.

She gasped when she realized it wasn't a dream. He stirred slightly and she stared at his bare back, longing to push her naked body against him and wrap her arms around him in his sleep.

She lifted her left hand to run her fingers through his hair, and as she did so she saw her engagement ring reflecting in the low glow of the outside streetlight that filled his bedroom.

Oh. My. God.

Monica quietly got off the bed and quickly gathered her clothes. She stepped out into the living room and put them on as her hands started to tremble.

She was one step from the front door when she suddenly stopped, turned and walked back toward his bedroom. She leaned up against the doorframe and watched him sleep. She held her breath, clutched her clasped hands to her chest and tried not to cry.

He looked so peaceful.

Slowly she pressed two fingers to her lips and kissed them.

She quietly walked over and gently pushed them onto his back.

Then she turned to go.

She softly closed the front door as the last notes of "Hallelujah" filtered through the dark apartment.

###

On Monday morning Chandler stared out the window of the Boeing 747 as it roared down the runaway at JFK International Airport. He watched as New York City disappeared from view and the plane soared through the clouds. And he knew no matter what happened from here on out his life would never be the same again.

_**NOTE: I very, very randomly came across Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" a couple months ago. The song is so haunting and beautiful, and angsty enough that I thought it might be something Chandler would listen to if his heart was in turmoil. I just had to double-check that it would fit the time period of season 4, and yay, it did (it was first released in the mid-90s, a cut on Buckley's only studio album "Grace"). If you haven't heard it, give it a listen. I hope you'll understand why I thought it fit so well here. And, to be honest, I struggled mightily with this chapter for a whole host of reasons, though I must admit I was pleased with the way it turned out…I'm sure you'll let me know what you think. ;) And, yes, my heart broke in half for poor, tormented Monica when she left, and I wrote the darn thing! Thanks, as always, for your reviews! :)**_


	9. What are the Odds

"He'll be home Wednesday night," Rachel said.

Monica closed her eyes. She was gripping the phone receiver so hard her knuckles had turned white. She cleared her throat.

"I…I can't…I just can't believe it, Rach," she said quietly, trying to keep her voice even.

Rachel sighed at the other end of the line.

"I know, I can't either," she said. "I mean I know the breakup with Kathy was hard on him, but he seemed to be handling it pretty well, especially after you guys talked. I just…I don't get it…"

Monica was silent on the other end. What Rachel told her hadn't surprised her, but it still made her heart ache. Of course he flew out this morning to interview for the job in California.

After all, as he had made so clear Saturday night, what was keeping him here?

She'd left him, alone and asleep, because all of a sudden she remembered she was engaged and really shouldn't have been there - naked in bed with her best friend.

Oh, but how she'd wanted to stay and wake up in his arms. Instead she'd come home and cried herself to sleep, as thoughts and feelings ricocheted from one end of her mind to the other.

"Um…" Rachel started, after Monica had paused for a long time. "Dinner for the six of us is at Maya Fiesta on Saturday at 7, right?"

Monica cleared her throat again.

"Yes," she said. "Yes, 7."

"OK," Rachel said, then asked tentatively, "is…ah…Richard coming home tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah, his plane gets in around 4," Monica replied. She'd planned to make his favorite portabella mushroom dish tomorrow in an attempt to assuage some of the guilt she felt.

"OK," Rachel said. "I'll see you tomorrow. I can't believe the wedding is in less than two weeks…"

"Tomorrow?"

"We're picking up your dress, tomorrow at 2 o'clock, remember?" Rachel said.

"Oh, of course," she said. "Yes, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Mon?" Rachel asked after a brief pause. "Are you OK?"

She took a deep breath.

"I'm fine," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow, Rach. Bye."

"Bye," Rachel replied then hung up the phone, convinced that Monica was anything but fine.

###

Tuesday evening Monica and Richard sat at their kitchen table finishing the dinner she'd prepared for him. She welcomed him home with a smile, a hug and a determination to focus on him and not think of Chandler and the night they spent together.

Because she'd been replaying the night they spent together over and over again in her mind so much she could scarcely think of anything else. And now she knew from Rachel that he had indeed gone to California and was 3,000 miles away from her…

"That was wonderful!" Richard said, interrupting thoughts she'd told herself she wasn't going to have. "Thank you, honey."

Monica gave him a small smile, "you're welcome."

As she stood to take their plates to the sink, he gently grabbed her arm.

"Leave them," he said, suggestively.

She just looked at him for a moment, completely dumbfounded. She honestly hadn't expected him to suggest they have sex tonight.

It had never occurred to her, and the thought of being with him after being with Chandler actually made her stomach turn.

And in that moment she felt like the worst woman in the world.

"You know I can't do that," she said with a nervous laugh as she glanced at the dishes.

"Sure you can," he said as he smiled, stood and moved closer to her.

She took a step back.

"No, I can't," she said, firmly. Seeing the look on his face, hers softened a little as an idea came to her. She walked to him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Maybe…maybe we can wait until after the wedding to, um, you know, make it…um, special."

He stepped back.

"After the wedding?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," she said. "Is that OK?"

He looked at her face and knew it was a question that only had one answer.

"Yes, I guess," he said, stepping back. "Yes, of course."

She smiled at him.

"Thank you," she said as lightly as she could. She walked back to the kitchen table to gather the dishes.

He watched her as she set the dishes on the counter and turned on the water at the sink, pulling on her dish gloves. Then he walked into the living room to retrieve the pile of mail on the end table, and turned to her again.

"Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?" he asked, as he glanced through the mail.

She froze and looked at him, trying to hide the panic in her face.

"No," she said quickly. "No…well…"

When she didn't say anything more he asked, "did Chandler hear anything about the job?"

And tears stung her eyes as suddenly as lightning flashes out of the sky. She quickly turned back to the sink.

"Yeah," she said, trying to keep any emotion out of her voice. "It's in Los Angeles."

"What?!" Richard said, turning his full attention to her.

"Yeah," she said again, as she began to vigorously scrub the baking dish that hadn't soaked nearly long enough in the hot, soapy water it had been in. "It was a surprise to all of us. He's out there interviewing for it right now."

"Really?" Richard said, as a small smile she didn't see came over his face. "Wow, that's great. And he's a strong candidate, huh?"

"Yep," she replied, still scrubbing.

"Well, good for him," he said, enthusiastically. "That is news."

She didn't respond.

He put the mail back down on the end table and picked up his suitcase.

"I'm going to go unpack," he said.

She nodded, her back still to him. "'K..."

As soon Monica heard the bedroom door close she dropped the dish into the sink, gripped both her gloved hands at its edge, then closed her eyes and dropped her head, silently letting her tears fall into the bubbles below.

###

"Can't beat the view, huh?"

Chandler looked out over the Pacific Ocean and nodded, "It's pretty spectacular."

After spending a day and a half in interviews with communications managers in their LA offices, Tom McFarland had insisted he take Chandler to dinner on his last night in California.

Chandler guessed Tom be in his late 50s, he had grey hair, a large gut and a big smile. He was a nice guy and Chandler was sure he would be a good boss. He'd immediately taken Chandler under his wing when he met him at the airport.

They'd left the building at 2:30 p.m. and headed for the coast. After what felt like hours in traffic - "Eh, you get used to it," Tom had shrugged - they'd finally reached their destination.

Tom glanced over at the young man he'd grown to really like over the last couple days. He was pleasant, smart and quick witted, and Tom felt like he would fit in with his department just fine.

He just wanted to know exactly why Chandler wanted to move to LA. Because despite his humor and affability, Tom detected that he had something, or someone, on his mind. He decided to ease into asking him about it.

"So…do you like sports?" Tom asked.

Chandler nodded.

"Yeah, I just, um, saw the Knicks in the playoffs over the weekend," he said, wincing slightly as he remembered the rest of that night. "Ah…I like the NBA and the NHL. I'm a big Rangers fan."

"Me, too," Tom said, nodding. "Hockey fan, I mean. If you move out here and work for me you'll have to become an LA Kings fan, though."

Chandler smirked. "I can have a team on each coast."

"Yeah," Tom chuckled, then asked. "So…tell me, aside from a superior NHL team, why do you want to leave New York for LA?"

Chandler sat up in his chair, running his hand over his loose necktie. He'd already answered this in the interviews. He wasn't sure why Tom was asking him again.

"Ah, well, like I said earlier today I really need a change from my current job, and I like to write so Doug…"

"No, Chandler," Tom interrupted, folding his hands and leaning forward on the table. "Why do YOU want to LEAVE New York?"

Chandler looked at him and then quickly looked out at the waves hitting the wooden pillars holding up the pier they were on. He sighed, leaning back again in his chair.

"Just got out of a serious relationship, am I right?" Tom asked quietly.

Chandler just nodded.

"And now you're ready to leave her behind?"

He swallowed hard.

"Something like that," he mumbled.

Tom hesitated for a moment, then asked, "she with someone else?"

Chandler cleared his throat, shifting his weight in his chair.

"Yeah…"

Tom downed the rest of his drink as the waiter brought them the check. The sun was setting over the water and he knew Chandler had a long day of flying ahead of him tomorrow.

"Want another one?" he asked.

Chandler shook his head "no."

Tom handed the waiter his credit card and the men sat in silence for a few moments watching the sun go down. He studied Chandler. It had been a long time since he had seen anyone look as sad as the young man who sat across from him.

"You love her?" he finally asked.

Chandler thought a long time before he answered, so long Tom didn't think he was going to, then…

"Very much," he said in barely a whisper. "I love her very much."

Tom frowned and sympathetically shook his head. "What's her name?"

Just then the lights flickered on, illuminating all the signs around the place where they sat overlooking the ocean.

Chandler gave Tom a sad, lopsided grin as he answered…

"Monica."

Tom looked at him in disbelief, then glanced at the now-bright signs that all read "Santa Monica Pier."

"Oh, I should not have brought you here," he said, chuckling a little. "What are the odds it would be 'Monica?'"

"Yeah," Chandler said quietly, looking back out over the water once again. "What are the odds it would be Monica…"

_**NOTE: This chapter came to me suddenly several days ago as I searched for a way to bridge the last chapter to the next - and I love, love writing dialogue, which this mostly is. Oh, and I'm sorry if I took any readers "out of the story," with the L.A. Kings reference. (Between MP's love for the Kings and Chandler's love for the Rangers - and the fact that they are playing for Lord Stanley's Cup as I write this - I seriously couldn't resist!) Thanks once again for your reviews. I've been swamped but promise that I will PM those I can as soon as I'm able. I feel very blessed to have Mondler fans so engaged in this story! :)**_


	10. Wanted You More

"No, Chandler…" Joey sighed, a sad expression crossing his face.

"Really? You're going to take it?" Ross asked.

Rachel looked like she was about to cry.

"When?" she asked quietly. "When do you leave?"

Chandler cleared his throat. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he didn't think it would be this hard.

"In two weeks," he said. "The person I'm replacing has already left and…ah…they need a warm body, I guess…"

He knew the LA interviews had gone well, and that he'd clicked with Tom, so he wasn't surprised when Tom called him Friday afternoon to offer him the job. He told him to think about it over the weekend, but Chandler said he didn't need to and immediately accepted - trying to push thoughts of how hard it was going to be to leave Monica out of his mind.

He'd flown home Wednesday night, thinking of nothing but her. He worked through lunch Thursday, picking up the phone a few times to call her, but he couldn't find the courage to dial her number. They hadn't spoken since That Night - the night he'd been beating himself up about - and had replayed over and over in his head throughout his long journey to and from California.

He couldn't get her out of his mind.

But he knew he'd see her tonight - in a group. It was probably better that he saw her with the rest of the gang, he reasoned. They were waiting at the table of Maya Fiesta for Phoebe and Monica to arrive. It had been planned for weeks. It would be the last time all six of them got together before the wedding.

It was supposed to be a joyous celebration - looking happily into the future. Ross and Rachel were a little over a month away from having their baby girl. Monica and Richard were a week away from getting married.

Chandler hadn't wanted to ruin it, but he had decided to tell them. He had to rip it off like a Band-Aid. But the looks on their faces told him it hurt them just as much to hear it as it had to say it, and he wondered if he'd done the right thing in relaying the news now.

And he was dreading the moment Monica would walk in.

Because he just couldn't believe he had let That Night happen.

He knew _why_ he let it happen. He'd wanted her so much there was no chance he could have turned her away. And of course he knew now, God help him, that he loved her. Oh, how he loved her. In true Chandler fashion, he thought, he always fell in love with the wrong woman at the wrong time. Always.

And this was Monica - his best friend Monica. Days away from marrying another man, Monica.

And not only was he in love, they'd made love - twice. And he'd drowned in it, reveled in it, a small voice telling him it would be his only chance.

It had been as close to heaven as he ever thought he could be. Their connection had been unbelievable. He was sure she felt it, too. For a few moments she was his and his world was perfect. Not sustainable, but perfect just the same.

But she was drunk and vulnerable, mad at him for not telling her the whole truth about the job.

And he was drunk and vulnerable, and trying to push her away so it wouldn't hurt so much to go.

How could he have let that happen - to them? To his heart?

He was positive that, in the light of day, Monica was feeling overwhelmed by guilt because he felt it, too. She was engaged to Richard.

Their night, as incredible as it had been, had caused her grief and pain. Why else would she have left while he was asleep?

He'd thrown a huge, gut-wrenching complication into the future she had been building for herself and her soon-to-be husband, and the fact that it had caused her hurt was the worst part for him.

God, it had felt so damn right, but it could not have been more wrong.

"Well, um," Ross finally said, clearing his throat, bringing Chandler back to reality. "To Chandler and new opportunities. We wish you all the best but we're really gonna miss you, man."

Everyone half-heartedly raised a glass to toast. Chandler tried to say "thank you" but his voice caught and he couldn't get the words out. He just nodded to Ross.

Phoebe walked over to the table just as they clinked glasses together.

"What are we celebrating?" she said with a smile. As she scanned her friends' faces her smile faded and she looked at Chandler. "Oh no! You didn't take that job, did you?"

"Yeah, I did," he said, looking down, afraid to meet her eyes.

"No! Oh Chandler…" she said, kneeling down to pull him into a hug. "That makes me so sad. I mean, I'm happy for you, but sad for me - for us."

"Thanks, Pheebs," he whispered, hugging her back.

Phoebe sat down.

"When do you go?" she asked.

"Um…two weeks," he said. "Doug wanted to keep me here longer but they said two weeks."

"You won't be here when Monica and Richard get back from Paris?" Phoebe asked, surprised.

He shook his head. That fact hadn't crossed anyone else's mind except Chandler's. He was actually grateful for the timing. He would have the strength to leave if he didn't have to look in Monica's eyes the moment he was supposed to go. The five friends looked at each other for a moment, unable to speak.

"Oh God, she'll be devastated," Ross said in barely a whisper.

Chandler closed his eyes tight for a moment, letting Ross's words sink in. Devastated. He couldn't take that look from her tonight. All of the emotions at the table were killing him already and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold his back if he told her tonight.

"Guys?" he said. "Could we not tell her tonight? Please? I just…I want this night to be…since we won't be together after…like this…for a while, I…"

Rachel nodded, knowing full well what a fragile state Monica had already been in the last few weeks.

"I think that would be a good idea," she said, the others voicing their agreement. "But, Chandler, _you_ have to be the one to tell her you're leaving."

He nodded, visibly relieved to push back the inevitable, and smiled at Rachel. "I will, I promise."

###

Monica came out of the restroom in the back of the restaurant. She'd spent the last 15 minutes in there trying to calm herself down before going to meet her friends.

Before seeing Chandler.

She watched as Phoebe made her way from the other direction to the table. They were all toasting to something. When they lowered their glasses she could see him clearly and her already pounding heart sped up a little more. Just looking at him made her shiver - their night together came back vividly to her mind.

She didn't know how she was going to make it through dinner, sitting with him. Wanting him.

After her mini-breakdown on Tuesday night Monica swore she was going to pull herself together.

But then Wednesday evening came and she knew Chandler was back in New York.

She tried to distract herself - failing miserably.

She'd put together the seating chart for the reception while thinking of him. She'd picked up her dress with Rachel while thinking of him. She'd packed her bags for Paris while thinking of him.

She picked up a lunch shift at JaVu on Thursday, thinking of him.

And as much as she tried to get over him - to get over That Night - the more he permeated her every thought.

Yes, she had left him in the middle of the night. She'd felt a pang of guilt for cheating on Richard, but she was also confused. Everything she never knew she felt for Chandler came out that night and it had overwhelmed and scared her. What they had done, how passionately they had loved each other, scared her.

It scared her that she didn't want to write it off as a desperate, drunken fling - and how very much she wanted it to happen again.

And over the last few days she had finally admitted to herself that what she was feeling was much, much more than she ever would have imagined.

It wasn't a crush, not at all.

It was a love embedded so deep in her heart she never even knew it was there.

Chandler had always been there for her - quick with a joke or a story that would make her smile - and he never asked her to be anything other than who she was in return. He was her confidant, her cheerleader, her friend, and she was his.

She had no idea when this all-consuming love for him began - but here it was.

Yet here she was, a week away from marrying someone else.

She loved Richard, but she wasn't in love with Richard, not anymore. She didn't know if she honestly ever was.

Monica couldn't recall ever feeling as deeply for him as she was for Chandler.

When she imagined her future with Richard it was…forced.

In those ever-more-frequent moments when she would let her mind fantasize about a future with Chandler, it seemed so easy.

But he'd gone to California, and she'd kept marching toward her wedding day.

And it was so complicated.

She had to talk to him. Tonight.

She took a deep breath and a couple steps toward the table when she saw Phoebe kneel down to hug Chandler, all eyes on them. She stopped and stepped behind an archway, observing the faces of her friends. They were sad. Why were they sad? Chandler was squeezing his eyes closed and the others were looking at him. She stepped closer to the opening, still out of view…

_I think that would be a good idea, but Chandler, _you _have to be the one to tell her you're leaving._

Monica's heart stopped and the blood drained from her face.

He was leaving.

Tears stung her eyes and her hand flew to cover her mouth.

He'd already taken the job.

She gulped for air once, twice, trying to keep her knees from buckling. A waiter came by to inquire about her health. She waved him away.

Her head was spinning.

Chandler was leaving.

She'd imagined it. All of it. She'd let her imagination take over - fantasizing that she could make him stay and love her.

It was just a dream, she thought - just a stupid, romantic fantasy.

The one reality check, the one thought she hadn't let herself think since That Night, was the worst case scenario.

All it really was, was a one-night-stand.

She was mad at him, they'd fought and it had gotten out of control. He was rebounding from Kathy and she'd taken advantage of him and he let her. He didn't turn her away.

But he didn't want to be with her. He had a chance to leave - and he was going to take it.

###

"Where's Monica?" Joey pondered a little too loudly. "I'm starving!"

Hearing Joey's comment, Monica shook herself out of her downward spiral.

She had to put up a front. She had to show she was fine. She'd been pretending for months with Richard. What was the difference now?

She had to act like nothing happened - like her heart hadn't just shattered into a million little bits.

She closed her eyes and put a smile on her face. She walked fast out from behind the wall and around a large row of fake plants, as if she had just come from the other side of the dining room.

"There you are!" she said brightly, her heart pounding in her ears. "I've been looking all over for you guys!"

"We're right here," Rachel smiled at her.

She smiled at everyone, lingering for a moment on Chandler. He gave her a small smile and she looked away. She willed herself to go numb, but her insides were on fire.

"Sorry I'm late," she said, matter-of-factly, picking up a menu as she sat between Ross and Joey. "Shall we order?"

Chandler just stared at her. She seemed so carefree, like nothing had happened between them at all. She gave no inkling that she had been effected by it whatsoever. He didn't know whether to be relieved or pissed.

She didn't seem to feel guilty, but she also didn't seem to care.

The little voice inside his head started to mock him - she's your friend, Bing, nothing more. What on Earth did you think would happen?

He felt heat rise within him, from anger or embarrassment he wasn't certain.

He lifted up his glass and took a big gulp of dry red wine, his heart breaking worse than it had ever been broken before.

So this is what it felt like to be a one-night-stand for Monica - just a fling.

It sucked. Big time.

_**NOTE: Um, so, yeah, this is some of that "angst" I was talking about way back in the author's note...I told you to buckle in! I hope you'll trust me… ;)**_

_**This was another chapter that was a bit of a struggle, but when it came to giving it a title the only one that came to mind was "Wanted You More," one of my faves by American country group Lady Antebellum. It is a few years old, but just kinda fit perfectly. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews! Mondler2014 - thank you so very much…**_


	11. Goodbye, My Lover

The bravado Monica sat down with at the table started to wilt as the dinner drug on.

She didn't talk directly to him and he seemed to be ignoring her, refusing to make eye contact. And he never mentioned the job or LA, not once. She almost brought it up a couple times but was sidetracked by another question about the wedding, another suggestion about a theme for Ross and Rachel's nursery and once with a Joey story about his latest romantic conquest.

Chandler was quiet, throwing in a sarcastic comment here or there, but with less zeal than usual. When she did steal a glance at him he was looking down. So she stayed focused on whatever the conversation was - smiling and nodding at the appropriate times.

She was mad at herself, angry at him but most of all completely, utterly heartbroken.

It was just after 9 when Rachel said she was tired and the dinner party started to break up. Ross was relieved. The tension at the table was starting to give him a headache. It wasn't the same ebb and flow it had always been between the six of them. The dynamic was changing. Everything was changing.

He looked at Monica, then Chandler. They hadn't said two words to each other all night and that felt completely wrong, too.

"Hey, you're gonna make sure my sister gets back home safe, right?" Ross said, gesturing to Chandler.

"Yeah, you could share a cab," Rachel suggested, thinking that Chandler and Monica really needed to talk about this job. The tension between the two was obvious.

As Monica looked at Chandler, a brief flicker of panic crossed her face. Chandler took a deep breath and shrugged, "of course."

It made sense. They both lived on the same end of town. How would he explain that he was afraid of the conversation to follow if he shared a cab with her?

Monica, thinking the same thing, just nodded.

"Oh, guys, it's pouring," Phoebe said as the group made their way to the door.

After hugs and "goodbyes" were exchanged it took another five minutes for everyone to secure a cab.

Monica and Chandler entered the back seat of the taxi he'd hailed down. Monica gave the driver her address and immediately turned away to look out the window.

Chandler was drenched, but he didn't care.

The tension between them was as thick as a brick wall, and it was killing him.

He knew he had to say something if they were going to salvage anything.

"Monica…" he started, not sure where to begin but wanting her to look at him. "Mon?"

Fighting tears she closed her eyes and turned toward him slightly. She thought she knew what was coming and she didn't want to hear the words come out of his mouth.

He ran his hands through his wet hair.

He knew he had to let her know that he never intended to ruin her future with Richard.

"I'm sorry…" he began, stumbling over his words. "I'm sorry I put…you…us… in, ah, a…situation…that made you…ah…uncomfortable."

She opened her eyes and stared at the back of the seat in front of her. He cleared his throat.

"It was a one-time thing," he said, quietly. "Just a…momentary…lapse in judgment. Don't…don't worry about it."

She turned and stared at him.

"I…I know…what it…you shouldn't feel guilty, Mon," he stammered, not able to meet her eyes. "It's me. I should have stopped it…us."

He attempted a small, lopsided grin.

"Now I'm screwing up relationships I'm not even in," he said, desperate to lighten the mood, even slightly.

She didn't react, her brain trying to process that he just confirmed her worst fear.

He frowned and looked up at the ceiling of the cab. She returned her focus to the back of the seat in front of her.

A couple minutes that felt like forever passed by.

The thunderstorm raged around them - rain was pounding on the sides of the taxi. The windshield wipers were on high and the radio was playing Spanish music behind the plastic window in the front seat.

All Chandler heard was her silence.

"Monica, say something, please," he begged quietly.

She knew if she spoke, she'd cry. But they were so close to her building…and it was now or never.

"You're leaving," she said, her voice shaking.

"What?" he looked at her in surprise and confusion, not expecting that. "How…how did you…"

"I overheard…at the restaurant," she said, her voice thin, quivering. She turned and raised her eyes to his. "You are leaving, aren't you?"

A lump formed in his throat. She looked devastated, and he had been right before, he couldn't take that look from her. But there it was - plain on her beautiful face, shining from her bright blue eyes.

He blinked several times and croaked out "yes."

She whimpered and he thought he was going to lose it right then and there. His heart was in shreds. She closed her eyes and shifted again, resting her head on the back of the seat in front of her.

"Did it…that night …mean… _anything_…?" she managed to get out as tears now streamed down her face, landing on the faux leather she was leaning against. She didn't want to ask, but she had to know.

And it was his turn to stare at her.

He couldn't let her think that their one, perfect night together didn't mean anything to him. He wanted to, it would make it easier if she hated him. But she was upset he was leaving and he just couldn't hurt her any more.

His breathing started to come in short bursts and involuntarily he started shaking. He took a deep breath, trying to find words that could describe what exactly that night meant to him.

He could only find one.

"It meant…it meant…everything," he finally whispered. She looked at him then. His beautiful blue eyes were earnest and filled with tears. But the look on his face was crestfallen.

And she knew her old friend, the man she had just come to realize that she had been in love with for a long time, was going to tell her goodbye.

"You are getting married in one week," he said slowly, closing his eyes, using every ounce of intestinal fortitude he could to pull himself together. "You are marrying Richard and…and you sh-should. You should marry him. He…he can…give you the life you've always…wanted. He can…"

She couldn't take it anymore. She reached out for him and he pulled her to him, wrapping his arms tight around her. She clung to him, burying her head in his chest.

The cab started to slow down as they sat there, holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it.

Monica lifted her head off his chest, her hair damp where she'd pressed it against his wet shirt, and looked up at him. The cab pulled up to the curb and stopped. Chandler looked down at her and leaned in as a flash of lightning brightened up the dark sky around them.

And that's when he caught a glimpse of Richard getting out of the cab parked in front of them.

He froze.

"Richard…" he said.

"What?" she said, confused that he didn't kiss her. Confused that the moment was broken. He loosened his hold on her.

"He…um, just got out of the cab," he said, nodding in the direction of the car in front of them. "He's under the awning."

She tensed up and closed her eyes. Then she let him go.

"$22.50," the cab driver said.

With trembling hands Monica grabbed her purse.

"I'll…I'll get it at my stop," he said, gently putting his hand over hers.

She swallowed hard, breathing fast.

"Thank you," she said, her eyes questioning him.

He took a deep breath, looking down at his hand over hers. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"I…I'll see you at the wedding," he whispered, taking his hand away.

If he'd punched her he couldn't have hit her harder.

She had her answer.

It might have meant everything, but he was leaving anyway.

She turned from him quickly and opened the door.

Seeing her exit the cab Richard came over to help her out.

"Hi honey!" he said. "Have a good time at dinner?"

She looked down and stepped past him.

He bent down and saw Chandler.

"Thanks for seeing her back safe," Richard said, thinly smiling at him.

Chandler didn't return his smile.

"Take good care of her," he said, looking him directly in the eye.

A mixed expression of confusion and contemplation crossed Richard's face.

"Of course," he said as he closed the cab door.

Richard gestured for Monica to come inside with him but she stood still in the rain.

"Are you OK?" he said, noticing that she had been crying. "Monica?"

She didn't respond.

"OK… I'm getting soaked," he said. He waited a moment and when she didn't acknowledge him he quickly ducked under the awning and into their building.

She wrapped her arms around herself as she watched the cab pull away, tears and rain mixing on her cheeks.

Chandler turned and looked out the back window. He saw her standing alone watching him leave.

He watched her figure grow smaller and more blurry.

Then he turned and stared straight ahead as tears silently fell down his cheeks and past his chin. He didn't even attempt to wipe them away.

###

Monica walked into Sturky's that Thursday right at noon. Their booth was empty.

"Hi!" Christy said brightly as Monica walked through the door. "I haven't seen you in a couple weeks."

Monica nodded as Christy turned to lead her to the booth along the window.

She didn't know what compelled her to come. She was certain he wouldn't be there, but her legs had carried her to the place she had been happiest, before her life had started to fall apart. She was numb now - living on autopilot.

She sat down.

"Can I get you anything while you wait for him?" Christy asked, smiling at her.

"Water," she said blankly. Christy nodded and walked away.

Monica looked out the window, toward the direction he would be coming from. For a brief moment she tried to pretend it was five weeks ago and he'd come in, looking great in his suit, and make her smile just by being there.

Then past the numbness and the fog she felt the pain and the tears start to form again. She could have sworn she was all cried out by now.

She wasn't.

"Here ya go!" Christy said setting down the water.

Monica shook her head and stood up.

"I'm sorry," she said, walking quickly past the waitress. "I have to go."

"Oh," Christy said, calling after her. "Do you want me to give him a message when he comes?"

Monica stopped but didn't turn around.

"He's not coming," she said and hurried out the door.

Chandler stopped in front of the diner as small white pedals from flowering trees cascaded slowly to the ground all around him.

He checked his watch - 12:11 p.m.

If she was going to be there she would have been there by now. He glanced up and saw two strangers sitting in their booth by the window.

He stared at the place they used to be - imagining Monica was there. Imagining her smiling at him as she saw him coming down the sidewalk.

One of the strangers in the window gave him a funny look.

He quickly turned away. Of course she wasn't there.

He slowly walked back towards his office, his heart feeling heavier in his chest with every step.

"Goodbye, Monica…" he whispered.

_**NOTE: I had James Blunt's "Goodbye, My Lover" playing in my head - literally and figuratively - the entire time I wrote the cab scene. And I know you're all about ready to track me down and make me sit in front of my laptop until I write happy things! Please just hang in there a little longer… :)**_


	12. Confession

"Her Grandma has some sort of stomach virus," Rachel told Monica, having just come from taking a phone call from Phoebe. "She won't be over tonight, but of course she'll be at the wedding tomorrow."

Monica just nodded. Phoebe had been planning to spend the night at Ross and Rachel's, with Monica, for one last girls' night.

The rehearsal dinner had just wrapped up in the party room at JaVu. Monica's parents, Michelle and Tim and their spouses, and Ross and Rachel were the only members of the wedding party, but some out-of-town relatives had come to the dinner as well.

Monica had smiled and nodded all night, made small talk as well as she could, and checked in on the kitchen about six times - just to escape the suffocation she was feeling in the room. Rachel had watched her closely, with growing concern.

And so had Jack.

He and Ross had played golf with Richard that day and it had been a somewhat uneasy outing for Monica's Dad. Richard had been in very high spirits, joking and carefree. Jack didn't see the same happiness coming from his daughter and it worried him.

He walked over to Ross, who was getting ready to leave to meet Joey and Chandler after the dinner and be out of the girls' way for the rest of the evening.

"You headed out?" Jack asked.

"Yeah," Ross said. "The guys are waiting for me."

Jack nodded. "And Chandler's really leaving?"

Ross sighed sadly. "Yep, next week."

Just then Richard walked up to them and gave Ross a half-hug.

"Hey, thanks for today and tonight," he said. "Did Tim give you the rings? He didn't want to keep them in the hotel…"

"Yep…yeah," Ross nodded. "Rachel has them in her purse. You going home?"

Richard nodded. "You're going to meet Joey and Chandler, right?"

"Yeah," he said, then added half-heartedly, "if you want to come…"

"No, no that's alright," Richard said, with a wave of his hand. "Michelle and Phillip are staying with me. But, listen, tell Chandler I said 'congratulations!' I am really happy for him. It just…it sounds like a great opportunity for him."

Ross studied Richard a moment. This was the third time he'd mentioned Chandler and his new job to him today. Was he really so dense that he didn't see how upset everyone was that Chandler was leaving, especially his own fiancée? Ross was sure the sadness so plainly hanging over his sister had a lot to do with her best friend moving to California. They were all feeling it.

"I will," Ross said slowly. "But, you know Monica…"

"Yeah," Richard interrupted. "Yeah, I know she's…um…pretty upset about it. I know. But she'll be OK."

He patted Jack on the back and made his way to the other side of the room, calling over his shoulder, "see you tomorrow."

###

Both women had their hair up in sloppy ponytails and were in sweats and tank tops sitting in Ross and Rachel's living room, Rachel on the couch and Monica draped over the love seat. Monica had already finished off a bottle of wine and had just opened a second. Rachel was dutifully drinking her water and observing her friend.

She glanced at Monica off and on while they watched the movie. She could see Monica was barely paying attention. She looked like her mind was far away….lost, and sad. She'd been like a smiling zombie at the rehearsal dinner. Something was very wrong and Rachel had finally had enough. She grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.

It took Monica a moment to realize "Harry" was no longer meeting "Sally."

"What are you doing?" Monica asked, confused.

Rachel sighed - determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on.

"Mon, what's wrong?" she asked, looking directly at her friend.

Monica looked away and looked down, ringing the top of her mostly empty wineglass with her finger. "What do you mean?" she whispered.

"You're the saddest bride-to-be I've ever seen," Rachel said, sympathetically, believing she knew exactly what Monica was feeling. She knew Monica had doubts about Richard, and that the different life phases they were in had been putting a strain on the relationship for a while.

"If you're not happy, Monica, you don't have to do it," she said quietly. "You can walk away…if it's not right."

Monica took a deep, haggard breath. The emotions she had tried to hold at bay all day, just below the surface, started to take over. She tried, unsuccessfully, to not cry as she looked at Rachel.

Rachel was taken aback by the look of complete confusion on her friend's face. Monica was always in control, always sure of what she was doing, even if it came at the expense of her own needs. She'd never seen her look like she looked now.

"Monica, talk to me," Rachel reached for her hand, completely worried. "Did something happen? Did you and Richard fight? Did he…did he…"

"No," Monica said, quickly. "No. It's not Richard. It's not about Richard…not really…"

Monica looked up and then closed her eyes, trying to find the strength to talk.

She needed to tell someone.

She looked at her sister-in-law, one of her oldest friends. She could trust Rachel. Rachel wouldn't judge her. She might - might - even understand.

"Promise me," she said fighting tears, but finding her voice. "Promise me you'll keep this between us, only between us, and that…that…you won't hate me."

"Of course!" Rachel said at once. "Monica, it's me. Please, I'm worried about you."

Taking another deep breath, she gripped Rachel's hand tighter.

"I slept with Chandler," she whispered.

Rachel froze, not sure if she'd heard her correctly.

"Chandler?" she gasped. "Our Chandler?"

Monica gave her a sad smile.

"How many 'Chandlers' do you know?"

Rachel looked at her in shock.

"What? When?! I…this…I mean, this is unbelievable!"

Monica took a shaky breath.

"It was the day Phoebe told us that job was in LA," Monica said, wiping her eyes. "I…when she told us I…I panicked. I physically...I couldn't take the thought of…him…leaving."

She paused, trying to regain some composure before continuing.

"Richard was…he was at the conference so I…I went…I went to his…Chandler's apartment to try to, I don't know, talk him into staying, I guess," she said quietly, looking down. "We got into a pretty intense…fight and…and to shut him up about all the reasons he had for leaving I…I kissed him."

"Oh, Mon…" Rachel said, her heart breaking for her friend. This is why the tension between them had been so thick at dinner - it all made sense now.

"He tried…he tried to stop…I wouldn't let him," she continued, choking on her words. "I wanted him Rachel…more than I have ever wanted anyone in my life. And at that moment I _know_ he wanted me, too. I never knew…I didn't realize how much I…how much...I need him. How much…how much…"

She trailed off and looked up again.

Rachel handed her a tissue from the box on the coffee table. She stayed silent, just holding her hand. And as she searched Monica's anguished face, she didn't see a woman feeling guilt or remorse over cheating on her fiancé.

She saw a woman falling apart because she was losing the man she loved - and that man clearly wasn't Richard.

"It was the most amazing thing ever," Monica continued, that dreamy far-away look coming back into her features. "Once we started we couldn't stop. I didn't want him to stop. Oh, God, I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay and pretend (she shook her head). I wanted…it was incredible. He…he was incredible…"

She pulled her hands from Rachel's and wrapped her arms around herself, looking away. Rachel was nearly in tears, trying to digest what she had just heard. She took a deep breath.

"Was it…maybe…Monica," she started, trying to make sense of it in the only way that didn't end up in complete misery and heartbreak for everyone involved, but not even believing her own words when she said them. "Could it just have been cold feet? Maybe you just wanted one…fling, before…"

Monica let out a strangled laugh. She knew where Rachel was going with that comment - it was exactly what Chandler had said.

"Rach, I've rationalized it in every possible way," Monica said, sounding exhausted from the mental effort as she wiped her eyes again. "No, it wasn't cold feet. It wasn't anything other than…him."

After a moment Rachel stood up to get Monica some water, her mind reeling. She knew Monica and Chandler almost as well as she knew herself. She knew how close they had been, for years - and she had often wondered "what if?" when it came to the two of them. But now the "what if" had been unleashed at the worst possible time. And judging by Monica's current emotional state the attraction was more powerful than she even imagined it would be. Rachel thought about Chandler and shook her head. She knew this must be killing him.

She walked back over to Monica. There was no way she could or should marry Richard tomorrow. No way.

"OK," she said, as she handed Monica the water and sat back down. "You will have to talk to Richard. Ross and I will come with you. Then I'll…I'll have Ross call your parents in the morning, it'll be…easier…coming from him…"

"What will?" Monica looked up from her glass of water.

"Canceling the wedding!" Rachel said, looking at Monica like she was crazy. "You can't seriously be considering going through with it!"

Monica swallowed hard. "Yes, I am."

Rachel was beside herself.

"What? No. No! Monica, sweetie, listen to me." she pleaded, grabbing her hand. "You're weren't thinking straight before. But now you…you know what you want! You can walk away. I did! I walked away from Barry. I will help you walk away. We all will..."

"No," Monica said, her face turning cold, determined, seemingly resigned to her fate. "I… won't."

Rachel just stared at her, refusing to believe what she was hearing.

"Monica! You are completely in love with another man. You love Chandler! You have to talk to him…"

"He's leaving, Rachel!" she said, hotly. "He's still leaving and…and…"

Monica practically jumped off the loveseat and went to look out the big picture window, tears beginning to stream down her face.

She wiped at them fiercely. God, she was so tired of crying over him.

"And what?!' Rachel insisted, following her to the window. "You have to tell him how you feel! My God, Monica, you can't just…"

"He told me to marry Richard," Monica interrupted quietly, looking out at the balcony.

"What?!"

Monica crossed her arms and turned to face Rachel, who immediately put her arms around her heartbroken friend.

"He told me to marry Richard," she repeated into Rachel's shoulder, her muffled voice full of pain.

###

Rachel laid awake in bed, tossing and turning as much from her uncomfortable, growing belly as from the confession from Monica earlier. Monica had slowly, sadly told her everything, including what Chandler had said in the cab after their dinner last weekend, then she begged Rachel not to mention it anymore - and again not to tell _anyone, _including Ross. She said she was tired and wanted to sleep. Rachel had protested mightily but finally gave in. She hugged her sister-in-law and watched as the door to the guest room closed behind her.

She knew Monica and she knew she would go through with the wedding. It was the plan, after all, the expectation.

But most importantly Monica would go through with it because she was shattered that Chandler was leaving and convinced he was doing so because he didn't want her.

Rachel had a very hard time believing that could be true.

He was sarcastic, he teased, but he would never intentionally hurt his friends, and he would never in a million years purposefully hurt Monica so deeply. Chandler wasn't the one-night-stand-type with a stranger, let alone one of the most important women in his life.

And that sparkle in his eyes, the one that was filled with so much good humor, had been gone for a while. He was now more like a lost man searching for his way - and right now that search was pointing him to Los Angeles. As she thought about it more and more Rachel was convinced he was doing one of two things by taking a job so far away from everything he knew and everyone he loved - he either believed he was being noble or running away. Maybe both.

Rachel sighed and closed her eyes, knowing she and the baby would need sleep to get through tomorrow.

"Hey, babe," Ross whispered as he came into the bedroom a half-hour later.

"Hey."

"I thought you'd be asleep," he remarked as he climbed in beside her. "Can't get comfortable, huh?"

She kissed his cheek. "No."

He wrapped his arms around her and she cleared her throat.

"So, how'd it go?" she asked quietly.

"Oh, the usual," he chuckled, softly. "Joey hooked up and I came home."

She smiled at that. "What about…what about Chandler?"

Ross hesitated a moment. Chandler wasn't himself, that much was certain. He and Joey had spent most of the time they were with him trying to figure out why he was leaving, or trying to talk him into staying. Chandler didn't say much - giving them vague answers to their questions and then leaving the bar early.

"I don't know," Ross said, honestly. "We asked him about the move…we probably bugged him too much. He…he didn't want to talk about it. He really didn't stay long. He had a drink, maybe two and took off - said he was tired."

Rachel closed her eyes. She wanted more than anything to tell Ross what was going on, but she'd promised Monica she wouldn't.

She'd never wanted to break a promise so much in her life.

"You OK?" he asked when she was quiet for a long time.

Fighting back tears she said simply, "just hold me."

###

He'd left the bar and walked around for hours, trying to drive the pain away - trying to talk himself into making it through the next day. Twenty-four hours then he'd be free to go - he could leave her behind and she could live the life she had planned with Richard before he almost screwed it up for her.

And he would make himself start over.

Recognizing where he was Chandler glanced up at the subway station sign.

Twenty-four painful, painful hours…

He practically ran down the stairwell as the train pulled in - the forced air from its arrival hitting him in a hot blast, stealing his breath.

He ran his pre-paid subway card through the turnstile and without a second thought boarded the train car.

It pulled away, carrying him and the rest of its midnight passengers to their ultimate destination - JFK International Airport.

_**NOTE: I kinda feel like we're all 'Rachel' in this chapter. We can see what Mondler can't, and we know Monica shouldn't marry Richard. But…**_

_**The Friends and family are starting to get it now, so that should give you some hope. I seriously did not mean to throw anyone into fits of sobbing with the last chapter, though I guess I'm doing something right if you care. And Mondler2014, even though James Taylor isn't really one of my favorites, I truly commend you for the effort! ;) Thank you ALL so much, again, for your reviews! **_


	13. Wedding Day

He tugged on his white dress shirt under his suit jacket and smoothed his tie.

He pushed open the door but found the room was empty.

"Joe?" he called out as he entered Apartment 19.

Chandler had gone to the airport the night before, planning to take the first flight he could to LA. But when he got there all he could picture was Monica's face, and how upset she would be that he left on her wedding day.

He had told her he'd be there.

So instead he'd bought a ticket on the red-eye flight tonight, after the reception. It was tucked away in the breast pocket of his suit jacket.

He didn't know if he was a masochist or just flat-out crazy, but he had to see her marry Richard.

He knew he had to witness it if he had any hope of bringing some closure to his heart.

Chandler had taken a couple steps inside when Joey came flying onto the landing and in the door.

"Dude?!" Chandler said. "Where were you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, out of breath. "GREAT hook-up last night…"

Chandler rolled his eyes. "It starts in just over an hour..."

"I know, I know," Joey said, then added with a grin. "I already showered. Just let me get my suit on."

Joey glanced at his answering machine. The light was blinking. He pushed the button.

"Hey, it's me," Ross's voice said. "Listen, ah, I left Richard and Monica's wedding rings on my nightstand. Can you grab them and bring them when you come? They are in the boxes. Man, I hope you get this message. Um, thanks."

Joey looked at Chandler.

"Dude, can you grab them while I change?"

"Ahh…" Chandler hesitated. The last thing he wanted to do was play any part in this wedding.

"Key's above the fridge," Joey said as he hurried into his room.

Chandler's shoulders slumped, but he reached up and opened the cabinet above the refrigerator and found the key to Apartment 20.

He slowly walked across the hall and took a deep breath as he unlocked and pushed open the door.

He looked straight toward Rachel and Ross's bedroom and walked over, finding the ring boxes right where Ross said they would be on the nightstand.

He almost opened one, but quickly decided against it.

Chandler turned and left the room but as he did so his gaze fell on the kitchen - and a wave of nostalgia hit him like a gale force wind, causing him to stop dead in his tracks.

He could picture the six of them together in that apartment, before his "crystal duck" comment launched Ross and Rachel's relationship - before Richard, or Kathy, entered the picture. Back when Joey was still struggling in one awful play after another and Phoebe was always evaluating their "auras."

In Monica's apartment.

And as he stood there he realized it was in those moments - between Pictionary and poker, late-night talks and lasagna dinners, her string of lousy boyfriends and his disastrous dates - that he'd started to fall in love with her.

Right there - in the place that to him would always be Monica's.

He took a deep breath as he looked out toward the balcony and remembered their kiss a few weeks ago, and he knew it hadn't started then.

It had started long before then.

"Hey man, you got the rings?" Joey said, poking his head in the door.

Chandler quickly cleared his throat.

"Yeah, yeah…"

"OK, let's go," Joey said, heading back into the hallway.

Chandler took one last look around, closed his eyes briefly then followed him out the door.

###

"You look beautiful, Monica," Michelle said as she lightly patted her future step-mother on the shoulder. Phoebe had just finished Monica's hair, and Rachel had applied the last of Monica's makeup. The only item left was her veil, but Monica didn't want to put that on until right before the ceremony.

She gave Michelle a small smile. "Thank you."

Michelle smiled back.

"I'm going to go check on Dad," she said. Monica just nodded as Michelle left the bride's room.

Phoebe eyes darted between Monica and Rachel. She'd never felt less joy at a wedding in her life. The aura around Monica was black as night.

After she and Rachel had packed the last of the makeup bags away, she pulled Rachel to the side of the room as Monica stood to look out a window.

"What is wrong?" she whispered to Rachel, concern written all over her face.

Rachel looked over at Monica and then back at Phoebe. She couldn't speak, but she had tears in her eyes.

"Something definitely is not right with her - what is it?" Phoebe said beginning to move toward Monica. Rachel grabbed her arm.

"Don't," she said in a whisper. "I want to tell you, but I can't tell you, so…just…don't."

"Rachel, she's clearly not happy - what is going on?" Phoebe demanded softly.

Rachel glanced at Monica again, who had stopped looking out the window and was staring at her girlfriends, Phoebe's back was to her. She caught Rachel's eye and shook her head "no."

Rachel swallowed hard and prepared to respond to Phoebe when Monica walked over to them, and took both of their hands.

"I love you," she said, looking at them both and smiling a little. "But I need…I need to be by myself for a little while. Please."

"Monica…" Phoebe started.

"Please, Pheebs," Monica pleaded. "Please…"

Rachel and Phoebe looked at each other. They each hugged Monica as gently as they could, then left the room as Monica walked once again over to the window.

###

Joey and Chandler entered the back of the grand hall at the Morgan-Chase Museum. It was just under an hour before the ceremony was to begin.

Chandler noticed that not one detail was left untouched. The candles were ivory, the roses were red and the lights were dimmed to cast a romantic glow. He saw Monica's touch everywhere and if it was possible he felt his heart break just a bit more. All of a sudden it hit him how real it all was and he didn't know if he could stay. He didn't know if he could watch her marry someone else. He wanted to be happy for her - she had been one of his best friends all his adult life, but he felt nothing but empty.

He patted the plane ticket in his jacket pocket as Ross approached them. He fixed a tight smile to his face and steeled himself for what was sure to be the longest night of his life.

"Hey," Ross said, as Chandler handed the ring boxes over to him. "Thanks." Chandler just nodded.

"Hey," Joey said. "How's Monica doing?"

"I think OK," Ross shrugged. "Rachel and Phoebe are with her now. Mom is checking on some reception details. I just, um, talked to my Dad."

"Is he ready to give his little girl away?" Joey said with a grin, oblivious to the fact that the conversation was making his best friend's stomach churn. Chandler felt like he was truly going to be sick - he looked at the floor.

"I, uh…huh," Ross said, thinking about what his father had just told him. He wanted to believe that Richard and Monica would be happy together, but the feeling that something wasn't right kept nagging at him and now his Dad all but confirmed it.

"I'm not sure," he sighed. "He told me…well, he just told me that Richard said something at the golf course yesterday that made him wonder. He said Richard told him that he wanted to keep Monica busy traveling and living part-time in Arizona so that maybe the grandkid would be enough…or maybe she'd forget about kids all together. Dad said he laughed like he was joking, but…"

Chandler's head shot up and he stared at Ross. What? He wanted to shout. What?!

"No! No one is allowed to be moving anywhere anymore!" Joey whined, shooting a glance at Chandler before turning back to Ross. "I don't want her to move to Arizona."

"Well, she doesn't either…" Ross started.

Chandler didn't hear the rest of the conversation - his heart had started pounding hard as his eyes scanned the room for Richard. It had never, ever crossed his mind that Monica's husband would do anything less than move Heaven and Earth to make her happy, to make her dreams come true - like he would.

Just then Phoebe and Rachel walked over to them.

"How's Monica?" Ross said, noting the concern on his wife's face.

"She's…um," Rachel started, shooting an imploring glance at Chandler.

And for the first time she saw the same heartbreak in his eyes as she saw in Monica's, and her eyes never left his.

"She…she said she wanted to be alone for a while, " she said directly to Chandler.

Suddenly there was a crash on the other side of the room as one of the florists accidently dropped a glass vase full of red roses onto the marble floor. Everyone's head turned in the direction of the sound.

"Whoa, Mon's not going to be happy about that," Joey said, with a light chuckle before turning back to the group. "Hey, where's Chandler?"

Rachel slowly let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. Then she said a silent prayer.

Chandler was nowhere in sight.

###

Monica looked out the small octagon window in the back of the bride's room and touched her fingers to her lips. As she had a hundred times before, she replayed the first moment his lips touched hers over and over again in her mind, burning it into her brain. She remembered how she felt when he touched her, how she shook when he caressed her body with his, how searing and desperate and right their passion felt.

When she closed her blue eyes she pictured his boring into her own. She willed the tears not to come, again, but she wanted to remember. She needed to never forget. She needed to have those feelings stay strong to get her through…the rest of her life.

She felt like a runaway train barreling toward some unknown destination where she had no choice but to ultimately end up. And that, coupled with Chandler's decision to leave, would make any fantasy she ever had of him remain just that - a fantasy.

She knew that and lamented it.

She lamented the timing. If only she'd realized it before - before Richard, before Kathy, she thought. If she'd understood he was always her other half…always. Maybe everything would have been different.

She wanted to summon the courage to walk away now, but she felt she didn't have the strength. She felt completely defeated for the first time in her life. She was in control of every detail of this day, every aspect, except her heart and the man who owned it. She held out hope that he would at least still be her friend, but knew going forward it might be impossible for him…and for her.

Maybe it was a blessing that he got the job in California.

She shook her head, as if to banish her last thought from her mind. But it didn't change the facts. Here she was, in her wedding gown, moments from pledging her life to one person, and she was aching for another - craving him in a way she never knew was possible.

She opened her eyes once more and looked out as the sunset bounced off the building next door.

What a metaphor for her life, she thought. Today should be a new beginning and it felt like the end.

Monica took a deep breath and told herself, again, to see it through - to "get over it" and get ready to say "I do."

Richard was a good man, and she knew he loved her, but she knew that he wasn't the right man.

It was too late to be with the right man. It was time to forget whatever might have been.

It was time to let him go.

"Goodbye, Chandler…" she whispered to the sunset, as her tears finally fell.

CRASH…

Hearing the commotion brought Monica back to reality as she jerked her head toward the direction of the sound. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and decided she would investigate the problem, even though she was supposed to stay in the room until the ceremony began.

She lifted the skirt of her dress up slightly off the floor and turned to walk out the door.

Then she stopped and gasped his name.

"Chandler…"

_**NOTE: Dah, dah, dum! ;) The scene where Chandler gets nostalgic looking at the kitchen in Apartment 20 is my own little nod to all the pre-Mondler moments of the series that we all love so dearly. I truly appreciate all of the reviews for each chapter of this story, from guests and very loyal readers who have stuck with this all the way through. I'm astounded, actually. "Thank you" seems very inadequate…**_


	14. Slow Me Down

"Maybe he went to the bathroom," Phoebe said, nonchalantly. Joey shrugged.

Ross and Rachel looked at each other. He suspected from the look she had given Chandler that she knew where he had gone. He walked over to her and led her away slightly from Joey and Phoebe.

"What's going on?"

She laced her fingers with his, nearly in tears. "I'm not sure, but I hope…oh, I hope it's what I think it is."

Ross gave her a confused look - a new realization slowly dawning on him - just as Jack walked up to them.

"How's my little girl?" he said, a small smile on his face, looking at Phoebe and Rachel. "I'm gonna go see her - have a little Father-Daughter moment before the ceremony..."

"No!" Rachel said, panicked. The other four just looked at her. "I mean, um, she might not be, um, completely…ready. Ah, Ross…Ross, let's go check."

With that she gripped the hand she was holding and half dragged him down the hallway toward the bride's room. Phoebe, Joey and Jack looked at each other for a moment and then followed them.

###

"Chandler…why are you back here?" Monica asked, blinking her eyes, trying to determine if he was real or just a figment of her imagination. Despite herself she began to tremble. She tightened her grasp on the fabric of her dress to try to still her hands.

Chandler took in the image before him. She was breathtaking - beautiful in every sense of the word. But she'd been crying and he was sure she'd been crying over him. And he was determined that this would be the last time, God willing, she would ever cry over him.

He swallowed hard then slowly started to walk toward her.

"No. Don't," she said, her voice shaking, her eyes pleading with him to stay away from her. "I can't…I can't be near you now."

He stopped. His heart was beating so fast he thought he might pass out.

"You've already said whatever you needed to say and I'm…I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, please just go," she pleaded, looking around as if trying to find the best way to escape, then adding in a whisper, closing her eyes. "Please leave, please Chandler…"

Tears pooled in his eyes as he listened to the pain in her voice. It was the same pain he felt in his soul, and he knew. He knew right then without a doubt that she felt exactly the same way he did - that they had been going around in circles trying to deny it. They'd been sacrificing each other - following a plan set forth to make others happy, but not them.

Bullshit, he thought. _This_ was the right thing - _they_ were the right thing. They were meant to be together and if it had to happen at the 11th hour so be it.

He was going to make it happen.

"No," he said, his voice deep, his intense gaze locked on her.

Hearing him speak she lifted her eyes to him and gasped at the look of determination on his face.

"I need you," he said quietly, slowly making his way toward her again. "I've always needed you."

Monica's heart hammered in her ears. Frozen in place, she kept her eyes on his as he made his way to her.

"I want you," he said slowly, his voice and confidence growing stronger with every word, gaining encouragement from the desperate look in her eyes. He could tell she was shaking. "I want to make love to you again…and never stop."

A small cry escaped her lips as he closed the gap between them and gently reached up to hold her face between his palms. Her eyes closed for a brief moment as tears streamed down her cheeks, over his fingers.

"Tell me," he said softly, searching her face, "tell me you love me as much as I love you. I'm so in love with you…"

Nearly sobbing and scarcely breathing she clasped her hands over his.

"If you can't, I'll go…but Mon…" he said, his voice cracking, his lips millimeters from her own. "Please tell me you won't marry him. Tell me you love me. Please…"

She felt his hot breath on her lips as she stared into his beautiful blue eyes, bright with tears. Then she closed her eyes and in a raw voice quietly begged, "kiss me."

His lips engulfed hers as they pulled their bodies closer together. He tasted her tears and felt the emotion behind them. She clung to him, desperate to not let go - desperate to stay in his arms and feel his lips on hers forever. They broke for air, breathing fast and heavy, his tears mixed with hers.

"I need you…I want you," she whispered between fervent kisses, digging her fingers into his back under his suit jacket, as his lips continued to find hers, euphoria shooting through his body. "I'm so in love with you, Chandler. I love you, Chandler…"

He kissed her hard and deep and she responded just as passionately. Then in a flash she remembered where they were and the situation they were in and she pulled back, anger at him suddenly taking over and she pounded her fists on his chest.

"What took you so long?!" she cried, all her emotions right at the surface. He understood and pulled her tightly to him so her assault, which had surprised more than physically hurt him, would calm. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. She followed suit and soon began to relax.

"It is well-documented that I am an idiot when it comes to relationships," he said after a few moments, in a tone he hoped sounded like a joke, but his voice was shaky. "I'm hoping you can help me with that."

He felt her smile as she let out a shuttered breath and continued to relax in his arms.

"I'm not much better," she said softly.

He grinned.

Slowly he pulled back to look into her eyes, both of them a mess of sweat and tears. "You won't get married today?"

She smiled, having never felt so certain of anything in her life. "I won't get married today."

He smiled and pushed some tear-soaked hair off her forehead and away from her eyes.

"You won't go to California," she said quietly, still clinging to him.

"I won't go to California," he whispered. "I'm never leaving your side. I swear you will get so sick of me…"

She put a finger to his lips and shook her head "no." She smiled at him and pushed even closer into his embrace. "_This_ is the only place I ever want to be."

"Me, too," he answered, holding her securely against him.

Taking a deep breath he said what he never thought he'd have the chance to say to her, never thought she would want to hear from him. But he knew without question that it was what they both wanted. He knew he meant, and would live up to, every single word.

"I promise I will make all your dreams come true. I want to make them come true, Monica. I want to spend my life with you - only you."

Fresh tears came to her eyes as she reached up to cup his face in her hands.

"I want us to have a family…kids… and…and be happy," he said, as he began peppering kisses on her cheeks. "I promise you, Mon, I will make you happy. I promise…"

Her heart felt like it was going to burst. She laughed softly behind her tears as she leaned up to kiss him again.

"You already have."

###

Ross and Rachel stopped in front of the door to the bride's room. It was open only a few inches. They couldn't see in but they could hear that Monica wasn't alone.

Chandler was with her.

_"Please tell me you won't marry him. Tell me you love me. Please…"_

Ross looked at his wife and mouthed "what?!"

Rachel, who was already in tears, quickly put a finger to her pursed lips to tell him to be quiet. Soon Joey, Phoebe and Jack were upon them. Seeing Rachel's look they all stopped and were silent.

Joey and Phoebe quietly moved closer to the door. Jack hung back a little from the group.

"Oh my God…" Joey whispered, his eyes wide, as he looked at Phoebe. Almost all they could hear were whispers, movements, heavy breathing, yet there was little doubt as to what was going on inside the room.

Phoebe gasped softly and immediately put her hand over her mouth.

Ross looked at his Dad and saw confusion and surprise etched in his father's features. They gave each other a small smile.

_"What took you so long?!"_

The eavesdroppers couldn't make out Chandler's muffled reply, but they all looked at each other and grinned.

Joey nodded away from the room, gesturing to the group that maybe they should leave, but no one turned to go. They stood still, in awe of the moment playing out on the other side of the door. Ross looked at Rachel. She was beaming.

He reached out to her and she turned into his embrace.

"You knew, didn't you?" he asked softly.

She nodded, looking up at him. "But not until last night."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Wow. I bet it's one hell of a story."

She smiled and nodded again as she whispered, "She's completely in love with him. And I just…I knew he was being all 'noble.' He's in love with her, too. Oh, they're gonna be so happy together!"

He chuckled lightly at his wife's enthusiasm, but he didn't disagree with her. He looked at the door, his heart swelling for his sister and his best friend. "Thank God he stopped her then."

"Thank God," Rachel echoed quietly.

Jack moved a step closer to the door.

_"I promise you Mon, I will make you happy. I promise…"_

Jack smiled, truly feeling relieved. His Little Harmonica was going to be just fine. He looked at his son.

"I'll go talk to Richard," he whispered to Ross. Ross nodded.

"I'll go talk to Mom," he quietly replied, as he squeezed Rachel's hand. Both men turned to go.

Joey and Phoebe looked at each other.

"We should man the doors and let people know what's going on," she said quietly. Joey smiled broadly and nodded. They followed Ross and Jack down the hall.

Rachel wiped her tears and took a deep breath. She knocked gently on the door.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Yes," she heard Monica's breathless reply.

She opened the door and found the couple clinging to each other, both smiling as she entered - eyes rimmed red from crying but looking happier than she had ever seen them. She hurried over to them and hugged them both. All three had tears in their eyes.

"I am so, so happy for you, I just cannot, oh!" she pulled them both into another hug.

Pulling away a bit Chandler chuckled, "So…you knew?"

Monica blushed, arm around his back, her hand firmly gripping him at the waist.

"I…I told her last night," she said, looking up at him. Chandler smiled.

"Good," he said, pulling Monica close and looking at Rachel. Her beseeching glance to him, cluing him in to Monica's distress, had been the final push he needed.

"Thank you," he mouthed to Rachel, his eyes shining. She nodded and smiled as he pulled her into their embrace one more time.

_**NOTE: And so here it is…this past spring I heard a new song by one of my favorite American country artists Sara Evans called "Slow Me Down." And I had watched TOW The Proposal around the same time. The chorus of the song just got to me and I thought "someone should really do a fanvid with this using clips from TOW The Proposal" - and I have no talent to do that whatsoever! Then I thought "what if Chandler had to stop Monica from marrying Richard?" - and BOOM! an AU Mondler fic was born! I wrote the middle of this chapter, where they finally (& yes, dramatically) admit to each other how they feel, in about an hour that same day and it was the first thing I wrote for this fic. It has gone through a couple small changes and additions as the story progressed, but it is pretty much what I wrote that afternoon in early April. Then I had to figure out how to get there - and I didn't want to do it in the she-accepted-Richard's-proposal-instead-of-Chandler's kind of way, because I can't even wrap my imagination around any fanfic that has that storyline anyway. So, this is what I came up with - and we're not done yet. One more chapter and an epilogue to go. :) Thank you so, so much for all the incredible feedback. Words can't even express…**_


	15. Last Man Standing

"I owe him that much, Chandler," Monica said, stroking his hand with her thumb.

Chandler looked from her to the closed door in front of him. Richard was on the other side with Monica's father. After Rachel had helped Monica change out of her wedding dress and into the simple dress she'd worn to the museum, Monica was determined to talk to Richard.

At the very least, she said, she owed him an apology.

Chandler wasn't happy about it, but he knew she was right.

"OK…" he said, reluctantly. "Alright, but I'm going in there with you."

"No, Chandler…" she started, and just then Jack came out of the room, alone.

"Dad?" Monica asked anxiously.

"It's OK," Jack said, smiling a little. "Go ahead..."

Monica looked at Chandler a moment, her eyes pleading with him to stay out in the hall.

He looked at her, a little panicked, but gave her a short nod. She stepped inside and closed the door.

Chandler shot a worried look to Jack.

"It's OK, Chandler," he said, patting him on the arm and smiling at him. "It really is OK…"

###

Monica took a deep breath as she looked at Richard. His back was to her.

When he turned around he had a curious look on his face. He wasn't crying - he wasn't really angry.

He was sad, but that wasn't it.

What was odd was that he didn't look at all surprised.

She took a small step toward him and took another deep breath.

"I…I am sorry," she said quietly, meeting his eyes.

He gave her a sad smile.

"So am I," he said. He sat down in one of the folding chairs in the room and gestured for her do the same. She took the seat across from him.

Then he sighed heavily, folding his hands in front of him and shaking his head.

"I'm especially sorry I couldn't just get you 'past the wedding,'" he said, with a small smile.

Monica just looked at him, not understanding what he meant.

"I was Chandler and Kathy's biggest fan," he explained quietly, looking away from her. "But when that ended I…I was pretty sure we wouldn't be far behind."

Monica was taken aback. This wasn't the confrontation she was expecting in the least.

"What?!"

He studied her for a moment and realized that she wasn't trying to fool him. She really was surprised.

He sighed.

"There was always…something between you and…him," he said. "Something I couldn't…break into. I knew you were close when we met, but I didn't know how close…until the last year or so."

Monica's mind was racing. What did he know? _When_ did he know?

"We…we were…friends…" Monica started, struggling to put the pieces together.

"I know," he said, looking at her sharply, a touch of anger in his voice. "And I know you didn't see it, and he didn't see it, but _I_ saw it. I don't know when you stopped loving me, but you did, and…and a part of you always…you care about him more…I felt that you cared about him more."

Monica closed her eyes.

"I do care about you, Richard, I truly do," she said. "I just…I didn't know…I didn't realize…"

"That you're in love with him?" he snapped, finishing the sentence for her. Then he hesitated.

She nodded.

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I was hoping it would stay that way."

She stared at him, her eyes wide, letting his words sink in. God, he knew. How did he know before _she_ knew, before _they_ knew?

For a moment, neither of them spoke.

"You were never happier than on Thursdays, when you saw him," he said, calmly. "You both light up whenever you are around each other…it was obvious, to me anyway."

Despite everything her heart went out to him. She opened her mouth to respond but no words came out.

"But then just last week he took that job in LA and you were so…upset… you were such a wreak," he continued, running his hand over his chin. "I thought maybe I was wrong, about…him. How he…felt. l thought there might…still might be a chance for us. I thought if he would just…leave…and we could get married, and maybe move away, then I hoped…I…I could make you fall in love with me again."

Monica wrapped her arms around herself and started to speak, "Richard…"

He quickly put his hand up to stop her from saying anything else.

"I should have let you go long before today," he said, clearing his throat. "It was selfish, I know that, but I didn't want to lose you."

He put both hands on his knees and pushed himself up off the chair.

"But…" he said, letting out a deep breath, "the truth is, I lost you a long time ago and once he was free, I was never really going to get you back."

She stood then and looked at him, shaking her head.

"You are a good man and I never meant to hurt you," she said sincerely, looking at him once again. "I hope you know that. I'm just…I really am sorry."

He stepped toward her, putting his hands in his pockets.

"I know, but thank you for saying it," he said.

Not knowing what else to say she pulled off her engagement ring and handed it back to him without a word.

He nodded, took it from her and put it in his pocket.

###

Chandler was pacing alone outside the room when Ross walked over to him.

"Dude," Ross said, smiling. "You sure know how to shake up a wedding."

"Ross…" he said, not in the mood for jokes at that moment.

Ross took a hotel room key out of his pocket and handed it to Chandler.

"Listen, take this tonight," he said, glancing over his shoulder. "You guys need some…time…and my Mom…"

He shuddered, and Chandler understood.

"You've checked in already?" Chandler said, recognizing the name on the key as the hotel where the reception was supposed to take place.

"Yeah, and I got the late checkout, too," Ross said proudly. "Just send our luggage to the front desk. After we're finished canceling everything we can pick it up and go home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Ross said, glancing over his shoulder again.

"Ross," Chandler said, looking at Monica's brother. "Are you sure?"

Ross put his hand on his best friend's shoulder.

"Are you going to stay and make her happy?" Ross asked him seriously.

Chandler looked him in the eye. "Yes."

"Then, yes," he said, as the door opened and Richard exited the room.

Ross moved behind his friend as Chandler came face-to-face with Monica's now-former fiancé.

As he studied Chandler, Richard pictured the wisecracking, insecure boy he'd met just a few years ago and compared him to the man who stood gazing so steadily at him now - a man who appeared ready to fight for the woman they both loved.

But Richard knew fighting at this point would do absolutely no good - Chandler had already won.

"Take good care of her," he said, looking him directly in the eye.

Chandler nodded, staring right back at him. Richard looked at him another moment before walking past him and disappearing around a corner down the hall.

Monica walked out of the room and immediately into Chandler's arms.

"Are you OK?" he asked, holding her close.

She smiled up at him.

"Yes, yes…"

He held her for another moment until they heard voices getting closer and closer from the other direction of the museum.

Ross looked at Chandler, a little worried. One of the voices belonged to Judy Geller.

"Let's get out of here," Chandler said to Monica. He took her hand in his and pulled her hurriedly toward the exit. She turned, smiled and blew a kiss to her brother as they left. He waved and smiled back.

###

"Thank you," Chandler said as he handed the bellman Ross and Rachel's luggage to take downstairs to the front desk.

Then he closed the door and turned to Monica.

"Oh my God…" she whispered watching him move as he came to her, put his hands on her hips and looked into her eyes.

He bent down and quickly captured her lips in a searing kiss that had been building since the moment they left the museum. She ran her hands up his arms and along his chest to push his suit jacket off of him, her lips staying locked with his.

As she pushed off his jacket she felt something fall out of the inside pocket and to the ground.

When they broke their kiss she bent down to pick up whatever fell. Chandler winced when he saw what it was.

Monica picked up the airplane ticket and read it. She immediately sat at the bottom edge of the bed, her knees buckling beneath her.

She looked up at Chandler with big, sad eyes.

"You were going to leave tonight?" she asked, quietly.

He swallowed hard and nodded.

"Actually…I was going to leave last night," he said quietly, looking down at her.

She gasped as her hands fell into her lap.

He gently took the ticket from her grasp as she looked at him again. His eyes never left hers as he tore it up in little pieces. He turned and threw it into the small garbage can behind him.

Then he knelt down in front of her.

She grinned slightly.

"How much did that ticket cost?"

He looked up at her with his lopsided grin and brushed some hair away from her eyes.

"Too much," he said softly, searching her face. "It would have cost way too much…"

She grabbed his hands in hers, and furrowed her brow.

"Last night?"

He cleared his throat.

"I…I didn't want to see you…I didn't think I could watch you marry…him," he said, his eyes watering. "But…but I got to the airport and I couldn't do it…I…I couldn't leave. I had to see it happen. I thought…I thought…."

He paused as he saw tears pooling in her eyes.

"I thought you were happy with him, Mon," he said. "I really thought I'd just screwed it all up for you…"

Monica sighed.

"I was for a while," she said, quietly. "I _thought_ I was. I didn't realize how much I was…compromising. I didn't know how much I was giving up. It all seemed so logical, ya know, like it was the next step in the plan for my life."

He just nodded, holding her hands. She leaned forward.

"What I _didn't_ plan on," she said, smiling at him, taking back her hands to run them through his hair, looking down into his bright blue eyes, "was waking up one day completely in love with you."

"So…" he said, smiling back at her. "What you're saying is I _did_ mess up your plan."

"Yes," she said, leaning in to kiss him softly. "In the most amazing, mind-blowing way possible."

She pulled away a little and they looked into each other's eyes for a long moment.

Suddenly she started to stroke his hair quickly with both hands, and her lips started to quiver as her emotions got to her for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

"I didn't want to leave you that night, Chandler," she whispered, her voice thick. "I'm so sorry I did. I…I…it must have made you feel…"

"No…it's okay," he whispered back, running his hands up and down the sides of her legs. "I…I knew…I knew why…"

"But…but you were going to leave…" she started, her voice catching in her throat, then she added softly. "I…I was sure you didn't want to be with me…"

"Oh God, Monica…" he breathed as he looked into her eyes.

"I…I've never wanted anyone or anything more than I want you…than I want 'us,'" he whispered, fiercely, mentally kicking himself for only telling her this now.

She took a deep breath, realizing how close they had come to losing each other, to losing it all, and a chill ran down her spine.

"I would have lost you…" she shuttered.

He cupped the side of her face and ran his thumb gently along her lips, shaking his head slowly from side to side.

Then he took her hands and brought them to his chest.

"You live here," he said softly, pressing her hands against his heart. "Somehow we would have found each other again."

She looked at him with tears in her eyes, marveling at how she could have ever thought anything other than this was love.

"But how much more time would have been wasted…" she started.

"Let's not waste any more time, Mon," he said as he reached up and buried his hand under her hair.

He stood slowly. She scooted back further onto the bed as he leaned down onto her.

His tongue traced her lips and he kissed her possessively, diving into her over and over again.

She arched her back so he could unzip her dress as she tore off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt.

Once free of their clothes he ran his tongue along the valley between her breasts, then kissed his way up to her collarbone as she reached for him. He was hard against her.

He entwined his fingers with hers in one hand and stretched their arms together above them on the pillow.

His face hovered over hers and their eyes locked.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," she breathed.

He lowered his lips to hers as they moved with each other and became one.

###

Chandler woke with Monica in his arms as the sun peeked around the edges of the heavy drapes in the hotel room.

They'd made love late into the night and day was definitely upon them.

He watched her sleep until she stirred and looked up, smiling at him.

"You're here," he whispered.

She stroked his cheek.

"You're here," she whispered.

He smiled.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said quietly as he leaned in to kiss her softly. She sighed contently as he moved his lips to her neck.

"Chandler?"

"Hummm…"

"I'm kinda hungry," she giggled, as he continued to place kisses on her shoulder.

"Ah, yeah…" he said, giving her a quick kiss on the lips. "Room service?"

"What time is it?"

He craned his neck to look at the clock.

"About 10:30."

"Um…do we have time?" she said, feeling this now familiar heat rise within her as his naked body pressed on hers.

He smirked.

"Ross got the late checkout," he said, his mouth finding her neck again.

"Of course he did," she murmured, her thoughts now otherwise occupied. She grabbed his head and brought his lips to hers.

When their kiss finally broke apart, both trying to catch their breath, he gasped, "I thought you were hungry."

"Oh, I am," she said breathlessly. "I'm starving…"

He grinned, pulling her on top of him and guiding her lips down to his.

And they gave into their passion again, deciding that room service could wait a little while longer.

_**NOTE: That conversation with Richard and Monica was a long-time coming, I know. He didn't stand a chance once Mondler realized their mutual love and he knew it. I never hated him as a character in the early years, but he was never the right man for Monica, obviously! SpiralnebulaM31, you have very good theories! ;) I love "Last Man Standing" by Will Champlin and thought it fit pretty darn well here. I owed Monica and Chandler's talk, and happy Mondler love, to you guys! :) LOVED writing this chapter. Epilogue is next…**_


	16. I Choose You - Epilogue

Chandler looked up as the scarlet and yellow leaves waved in the soft breeze and fell slowly to the ground.

Then his eyes caught a flash of ivory and long, cascading ebony hair.

And he smiled.

At the end of the makeshift, leaf covered aisle, Monica smiled right back at him.

She was in charge of most aspects of this day, but the one and only thing that really mattered was the man standing by the minister, under the old sunset maple tree near the fountain in Central Park.

Jack smiled at his beaming daughter. She hooked her arm with his and slowly walked down the path that Phoebe and Joey, then Rachel, Ross and Emma, in her father's arms, had walked just before them.

It was mid-October in New York and as the low autumn sun passed through the colorful clusters of leaves clinging to the nearby trees, a beautiful play of light and shadow brushed the landscape.

It was a gorgeous day for a wedding…

_Chandler planned to propose to Monica on the Fourth of July._

_Ross had rented a houseboat to celebrate he and Rachel's first anniversary, and he asked their friends to come with them to see the fireworks. After much arm twisting and promises that Emma would be just fine, Rachel had agreed to leave her newborn daughter with Judy and Jack, and the gang set out to enjoy the day._

_Right before the fireworks were to begin, everyone quietly moved into the cabin of the boat and watched from inside as Chandler approached Monica at the rail._

_He wrapped his arms protectively around her waist and she fell back into his embrace._

_"May I have this dance?" he whispered._

_She smiled and turned to look into his eyes._

_"There's no music," she whispered._

_"Don't need it," he grinned as he pulled her to him and they slowly swayed back and forth._

_About 30 seconds into their dance he turned her in his arms so she was facing away from him, out toward the water._

_"I have something for you," he said softly. "Close your eyes."_

_"OK," she said, as she complied, leaning back against his chest._

_He pulled the diamond ring, with sapphire begets on each side, out of his pocket._

_Taking her left hand in his, he gently moved her fingers and with his right hand slowly slid the engagement ring on, as she gasped and tilted her head back a little, tears brimming under her lashes._

_"I will love and cherish you forever, Mon," he whispered into her hair. "Will you marry me?"_

_The gang watched in tears as Monica slowly turned in Chandler's arms and nodded her head up and down as she whispered "yes, yes, yes, yes…"_

_They were locked in a passionate kiss when the fireworks show began in New York Harbor._

Everything changed very quickly before - and again after - that day.

Richard, who had gone back to Arizona with Michelle and Phillip after what was supposed to be his wedding day, decided to stay there.

He sold his half of the eye care practice to Tim. He didn't come back to New York for three weeks after Monica left him, giving her time to move out of the apartment and in with Chandler. And when he came back it was only for a few days to clear up some business and put his place on the market.

Judy had initially been mortified that her daughter canceled her wedding on her wedding day. But after several discussions with both Jack and Monica, and one important talk with Chandler, she came around and was now overjoyed that Monica hadn't married Dr. Richard Burke.

Eventually Jack told Monica that Richard had met a divorcee, in her mid-40s, who had two kids in college at Arizona State.

"Much, much better," he had told her, with a wink.

Joey told Chandler that he heard through the theatre grapevine that Kathy had moved back to Chicago. She and Nick had broken up at the end of the show's run.

"Good riddance," Joey had said, slapping Chandler on the back.

Phoebe had met a cop named Gary and seemed to be very smitten with him, though she was also mulling over being a surrogate for her brother and his wife.

Joey was, well, still Joey but he was a big help to Monica and Chandler when it came time for them to move again.

Shortly after Emma was born it became clear to Ross and Rachel that a two-bedroom apartment wasn't going to be enough for them - especially since they had Ben, too, every other weekend.

So they searched for a three bedroom in the Village and found one, right in the next building over, where Ugly Naked Guy lived.

They moved in early September as Monica and Chandler planned their simple, outdoor wedding for the following month.

Chandler had called Tom to tell him he wasn't coming to LA after all. Tom was happy to hear the reason why. He called his counterpart in the communications department in New York and gave Chandler a glowing recommendation. Shortly thereafter a position opened up and Chandler accepted it. He ended up subletting his two-bedroom, pre-war apartment to the woman who took his old job and her husband.

Then he and Monica moved "back home," to Apartment 20, and the gang was as close as could be once again.

The rehearsal dinner was held at Sturky's and it had been quite a party. Chandler had everyone in tears, cracking jokes about everything and everyone - including Christy - who laughed right along with them all.

Nora and Charles were there, and remarkably, got along very well.

The betrothed couple ended up going back to Central Perk accompanied by Chandler's parents, talking with them until late into the night. They told his Mom and Dad the tale of how they came to realize they were in love. Halfway through the story Nora grabbed a napkin and started taking notes for her next book, much to Chandler's dismay.

Charles got all teary-eyed, more than once.

Then they all decided to get a few hours of sleep. Charles slept on the couch at Monica and Chandler's, and Nora in the spare room at Joey's.

Monica and Chandler fell asleep in each other's arms amid broken down boxes that were stacked neatly in their bedroom.

They were almost all settled back into the purple apartment.

The only thing left to do was to paint the pink nursery blue.

###

"You may now kiss the bride," the minister said, smiling, after Chandler and Monica had said their vows and exchanged wedding bands.

There wasn't a dry eye in the park as two of the people Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe loved most in the world pledged their eternal love to one another.

Chandler slowly cupped his new bride's face and whispered "I love you" as his lips brushed hers.

Then they melted into a simple kiss full of promise for their future.

After he broke their kiss Chandler slowly took one knee and placed his lips to where their son was growing inside of his mother. Monica smiled down at him, running her fingers through his hair, as happy tears fell from her bright blue eyes and rolled down her face.

They'd found out a few days before the wedding that they were having a baby boy, and Daniel Chandler Bing was due right after Valentine's Day.

Chandler stood and smiled at her, happy crinkles on either side of his shining, dancing eyes.

It was her turn to cup his face between her hands as she whispered, "My whole heart will be yours forever..."

He breathed in deeply, closed his eyes and pressed her palms to his cheeks.

After a moment they turned to their friends and family as the minister introduced them as "Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing" for the very first time.

Everyone around them burst into applause.

The newlyweds smiled at them all before turning to each other once again.

Chandler pressed his lips to Monica's forehead, clasped his right hand in hers against his chest and ran the palm of his left hand along her baby bump and around to the small of her back.

The clapping around them faded into the background.

He looked down into her eyes and rested his forehead against hers.

"I love you, Mrs. Bing," he said quietly.

"I love you, Mr. Bing," she whispered back.

He smiled.

"We finally got it all right," he said.

She smiled and pulled him closer.

"Yes we did."

**THE END**

**NOTE: I feel like, if this were a movie, this is when Sara Bareilles's "I Choose You" would begin and the credits would roll. **

**I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for indulging me, and enjoying "Slow Me Down" so very much. You have made this writer's soul "happier than I ever thought I could be." And I mean that as sincerely as the "real" Chandler did when he proposed to the "real" Monica on the show. Your never ending, motivating reviews meant more to me than you will ever know…thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**It's remarkable to me that, after all these years, this fictional couple we've all come to know and love still mean so very much to so many. What a testament to the show's creators and writers. But it is also a testament to Matthew Perry and Courteney Cox, whose obvious chemistry all those years ago was the catalyst for Mondler, and whose continued friendship and affection for one another 20 years hence has helped keep the Monica and Chandler fantasy alive for us all. (I know they'll never read this, but I thought they were worth a mention!)**

**Oh, and one more thing - Isa, that baby bump was planned for the epilogue all along, but knowing your deep love for pregnant Mondler I'm dedicating little fetus Daniel Bing to you. :D LOL!**

**Now, I'm kinda exhausted - you too, maybe? Not too sure when another Mondler fic will come out of me, but I would bet one will sooner or later - & I may (or may not) make it less angsty next time. ;)**

**Til then, I'll enjoy reading all your Mondler fics - esp. yours, Ines & starbuckmeggie! Have a great summer. And, again, thank you! **

**Kel (aka OldMondlerLover)**


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